Everyone has different experiences in their lives where they’ve had to set boundaries and sometimes draw a hard line and say “no.” Sometimes people respect those boundaries with understanding, and other times it can lead to stressful situations. Being a military family can add to that stress too. Here is a story about how my family learned to draw those lines.
Most of the world remembers 2020 as the beginning of a global pandemic, for our family 2020 marked the beginning of a different journey. Beginning in January, I had surgery to remove half my thyroid and check for cancer. The recovery was painful, but thankfully the tests were clear. Then, in February our daughter was diagnosed with Autoimmune Neutropenia. In a short explanation, her body kills off neutrophils, which are a particular kind of white blood cell. If her body doesn’t have those specific cells, it can be very dangerous when bacteria enter her body. Because of this diagnosis, if she ever runs a fever, it is considered a medical emergency and we have to take her to the hospital immediately. If her neutrophil count is too low, she then gets admitted for antibiotic therapy and testing. She was very sickly for a while and when we saw the pediatrician for routine bloodwork, we were immediately referred to a pediatric hematologist. This diagnosis changed how our family lived life, especially during the pandemic.
The very first thing we had to figure out was how to keep our daughter healthy. We knew that she was susceptible to bacterial infections, but we had no idea how her body would handle Covid or other viruses. So, for about a year and a half, she stayed home. We rarely had people over, and she did not see the inside of any store. It may sound extreme for some, but in our eyes, we were doing everything we could to protect her until we had more information about her illness. This process lead to extreme loneliness. We stopped going to church, we didn’t see our friends, I didn’t take my kids grocery shopping, to the museum, library, or movie theater anymore, it was a complete turnaround from what our lives used to be.
I think every military spouse can relate to loneliness and isolation. Every time we have to PCS, we uproot our whole family, pack all our belongings into boxes and relocate somewhere we don’t know anyone. Sometimes we move so often, taking the time to put down roots and make close friends just doesn’t seem worth it, thus isolating ourselves even further. When we needed help the most, we were across the country from our family, couldn’t fly due to our daughter’s diagnosis and couldn’t drive the 2,000 miles either.
Fast forward a little bit into 2021 and even 2022, the country was beginning to figure out Covid, people were trying their best to protect themselves and others, but also finding a way to get back to normal life. For our family, normal looked a little different. Later in 2020, our daughter was hospitalized for the first time due to a high fever and low white blood cells. She was receiving IV antibiotics, and all kinds of tests to figure out what was going on. It was one of the most terrifying times in my life as a mom, holding my sweet baby, not knowing what was wrong or if she would ever get better. We knew we wanted to get back to normal life, but we couldn’t risk her continuing to get sick. We had to learn how to say “no”. This was one of the hardest things to wrap our minds around, because not everyone understood our reasoning, or the trauma that we endured as a family throughout the previous few years, and many still don’t. Our daughter goes through seasons where her body can fight off illness, but then the coin flips and she is back in the hospital unable to get well. Sometimes we can do fun things as a family, like visit a theme park, attend a baseball game, or go to the movie theater, but other times we have to say “no” to the family birthday party, or the dinner because she was just getting over being sick or hospitalized and someone in attendance has a runny nose or cough. Saying “no” can be difficult no matter the circumstance, but we’ve learned that setting boundaries and protecting our daughter’s health is more important than the awkwardness of someone not understanding.
Giving yourself permission to say “no” is so important, even outside the context of a loved one’s health. Give yourself permission to set boundaries, to protect your heart, your kids, and your marriage.
