18 Things Said by No Military Spouse Ever

I’d consider myself a veteran spouse of sorts. I’ve been there, done a lot of it, understand most of the acronyms, got a drawer full of t-shirts. With that veteran status comes buckets (heavy, laden buckets) full of sometimes-usually-hair-pulling experiences (as in, I should start my own reality TV show featuring military spouse survival, and Channing Tatum would be the host.) Well, the aftermaths of those experiences + other spouses’ experiences = a lot of really good material for (drumroll, please) the list of “18 Things Said by No Military Spouse Ever.” And, clearly, this list in not conclusive. We understand the different experiences had by all to create such personal lists of vengeful, promising, won’t-ever-say-it phrases. So here’s my promise: I won’t say ‘em. Would not, could not. Not in secret or in a Military Spouse Anonymous group where we all commiserate with each other about Tricare while drinking coffee and eating cookies. I’ll never say them. Cross my heart. Which ones are reminiscent of your personal-vendetta-creating, Diet-Coke-addiction-forming experiences? 1. “I hate it when you’re here for our anniversary, anyway.” Literally despise it when you’re home for important dates, birthdays, major holidays. Total and utter sucktown. 2. “I can’t wait to buy this frumpy smock for my spouse’s homecoming.” My homecoming signs say: DROP DEAD, ROMANCE and BACK OFF, BRO. 3. “I love decrepit military housing.” I’m like a woodland princess; the resident rodents and cockroaches help me with my housework. 4. “You are simply too good to be true, Commissary on payday.” I’m in the mood for fighting over bell peppers and cheap cereal. 5. “Don’t you worry; I love sleeping ALL ALONE in this big, dark, creaky house.” The ax under my bed is just for my urban lumberjack décor. 6. “BAH repulses me.” Please, don’t ever, EVER give us a stipend to pay for housing. I’ll hate you forever. 7. “Those pipes (car, microwave, lawnmower, etc.) will never break while you’re deployed to Iraq!” I can’t remember once when I’ve had to call someone to help me fix the flooding in my house. But, then again, I pay a therapist a lot of money to keep those memories repressed. 8. “I hope Tricare doesn’t cover my son’s $100k Life Flight bill from when he amputated his finger while my spouse was on a plane to Afghanistan.” I love juicy insurance claims. Especially when they’re mine. Bring on the collection phone calls. 9. “I never binge-watch Netflix in sweatpants when you’re at training schools.” I’m too classy for trashy television. And I don’t even own a pair of beloved, well-worn, unwashed sweatpants. And I’ve never worn that pair of sweats for a week straight before. 10. “I'd love to sew all those patches on your new dress blues.” I remember exactly where they all belong to meet the standards, and I totally know how to sew in straight lines. 11. “We'll probably stay here forever.” Or its fickle cousin, “I totally want to leave because I hate my long-standing friends and compassionate neighbors.” Support systems are the worst. 12. “There’s nothing like the comforting feeling of seeing a blank LES statement. It’s like the slate has been wiped clean.” Can’t wait to call the mortgage company with a special surprise! 13. “You know what’s the best thing ever? You finding out that you’re not deploying and then you’re deployed two weeks later.” I just can’t get enough of you not being here. 14. “Oh my gosh, I love it when we have an emotional, tearful farewell, and I drive home, barely breathing, and after I get to our empty home and calm down and begin to face reality, you rush into our house because you forgot your shoes.” Closure: Don’t need it, don’t want it. 15. ”I love washing your uniforms.” Especially when you’ve been out in the field all week. I love breathing in that lingering pine scent coupled with your natural musk. 16. “You think you’ll be home early today? I will 100% make definite, immovable plans.” Making and cancelling reservations are my favorite pastimes. Ramen for dinner, babe? 17. “Let's plan a vacation six months in advance.” I’ve never cried my eyes out about any failed vacation plans, and my kids have a totally mature understanding of the situation. We are all completely rational about it, and then we all hold hands and smile together. 18. “What else could go wrong?” Nothing. Nothing will ever go wrong. There you have it. Clear, indicative statements of What Not to Say as a Military Spouse. But, just as military life requires a “hope-for-the-best-but-expect-the-worst” mentality, I’m not going to bet you any of our military salary dollaz that I never say one of these out of forgetful enthusiasm. After all, never say never. Connect with us on Facebook!

18 Things Said By No Military Spouse Ever

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