7. “Those pipes (car, microwave, lawnmower, etc.) will never break while you’re deployed to Iraq!” I can’t remember once when I’ve had to call someone to help me fix the flooding in my house. But, then again, I pay a therapist a lot of money to keep those memories repressed.
8. “I hope Tricare doesn’t cover my son’s $100k Life Flight bill from when he amputated his finger while my spouse was on a plane to Afghanistan.” I love juicy insurance claims. Especially when they’re mine. Bring on the collection phone calls.
9. “I never binge-watch Netflix in sweatpants when you’re at training schools.” I’m too classy for trashy television. And I don’t even own a pair of beloved, well-worn, unwashed sweatpants. And I’ve never worn that pair of sweats for a week straight before.
10. “I’d love to sew all those patches on your new dress blues.” I remember exactly where they all belong to meet the standards, and I totally know how to sew in straight lines.
11. “We’ll probably stay here forever.” Or its fickle cousin, “I totally want to leave because I hate my long-standing friends and compassionate neighbors.” Support systems are the worst.
12. “There’s nothing like the comforting feeling of seeing a blank LES statement. It’s like the slate has been wiped clean.” Can’t wait to call the mortgage company with a special surprise!
