We’ve all been there. Kid one has an ear infection. Kid two is in the throes of the terrible twos. Kid three is a baby and just needs you. You only have so many arms, your patience is running ragged, and you aren’t even remotely close to hump day of yet another deployment.
For many, as military spouses, this is our reality. Solo parenting is exhausting and demanding, but above all else, it’s relentless.
When my husband embarked on our first married deployment, I had two children under two, and I was buried under a crippling mound of fear, exhaustion, and self-doubt. Only once I was able to ask for help and find what worked for us in our new family dynamic was I able to crawl out from under that mess. We’re in the middle of our second deployment in three years, and this time we have a third child. It’s chaotic, it’s messy, and it’s loud, but it’s also a strange sort of normal for us.
Because no deployment, TDY, training, or separation is the same, I asked a network of both new and seasoned military spouses for their absolute best tips for parenting solo while separated for duty. These little snippets of wisdom are what make long days and nights seem just a little less taxing.
“When people offer to help in any way, take them up on it!”
Jessica B., Marine Corps spouse
“When kids act up, as they will, don’t allow their parent being gone be an excuse for bad behavior. Rather, let them know that they are allowed to have bad moments. They are allowed to grieve.”
Jeri Lynn O., Army (ret.) spouse
“Set low expectations when you plan your day so you don’t get overwhelmed with all those tasks.”
Mareike E., Army spouse
“Keep a consistent schedule/routine, and always have something to look forward to on the horizon, even if it’s something small. It helps the time pass!”
Emily S., Navy spouse
“Forgive a messy house. Be kind to yourself when things are not perfect.”
Erika N., Army spouse
“If I know a TDY is approaching, I try doubling a couple meals a week and freezing them so I have easy dinners! I also try to get together with as many other moms with toddlers as possible so we can commiserate while the kids play.”
Janelle C., Air Force spouse
“If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service – even if it’s only once a month to do the deep cleaning. It allows me to spend quality moments together on the weekends, rather than using the weekends as a chance to catch up on chores.”
Alyssa M., Army spouse
“Live your life in 30 minute increments, and stick to it.”
Victoria L., Army spouse
“Get outside on the weekends and long days. Exploring together can be both therapeutic and engaging. Staying inside can be so isolating.”
Sara M., dual military family
Through the years, I have learned that one of the strongest, most resilient things you can do is ask for help. Being busy is better than being bored and lonely. At the end of the day though, there is no right or wrong way to get through a separation as a solo parent. You just need to do the work, and get it done. Above all else though, as one spouse so eloquently said, “Give yourself grace. So much grace.”
Photo credit: Julie Johnson Photography
