That is why I adore the military spouse community so much. For the most part, in my experience, our community is really excellent at empathizing with one another, listening and supporting through both the good and the bad times.
But I don’t think that we should or can reasonably expect the same from the “civilian” community.
It’s not because I don’t think they care or appreciate what the military and their families do or go through for this country. I realize there are people in our country who may not like our military and may have negative assumptions or feelings about men and women in uniform. But I truly feel like those folks are few and far between. For the most part, again in my experience, civilians understand that being a military member is challenging, stressful, and dangerous. They realize that by extension, the family members of service men and women also have some challenges.
It’s not because I don’t think it important to have empathy for others, I do. But the reality is that as humans, our understanding of the situation that anyone else endures can only reach so far if we are not also in a similar situation. The unique aspects of military life are something someone just can’t fully comprehend if they have not lived it. I can understand some aspects of military life, but could never comprehend what my husband experiences when he deploys, for example.
It’s not because I don’t think the challenges of military life are difficult. But the difficulties of one person should not negate your own personal challenges. Certainly, it can put things into perspective when we see that someone else is going through a problem that seems to be harder than ours, but it doesn’t mean that our struggles are not real and valid. So, I don’t begrudge someone who is missing their family member who is on a business trip for a week simply because my husband has been deployed for six months. Being apart from a family member can be hard, and my experience should not negate that struggle.
So, when asked how we can get civilians to understand military life, my answer is now that we can’t. And we shouldn’t. It is not fair to either party. It is not fair to expect a civilian who has had zero military life experience to really “get” what our military members and their families go through. And it is not fair for us to continue to force the issue when we have a wealth of community right here at our disposal to understand what we face on a daily basis.
That being said, understanding is not the same as support. Support? Yes, I do expect that from the American public. But a very specific kind of support. Efforts to send care packages and help service members and their families through charity work are two things that are appreciated greatly. We live in a time where the American public does show their affection and support for our military members, and it is a wonderful thing to witness.
I am still asked frequently by “civilian” friends, “What can we do? How can we help?” and again my answer has changed over the years. Instead of encouraging them to join letter writing campaigns or care package drives, I point them to charities who help veterans and their families long after boots are back on American soil. And I encourage them to show their support by letting our elected leaders know that funding pay and benefits for those who have served this nation is important. Our military members are a small group and have no union… civilian support is essential in making sure we, as a nation, hold up our end of the bargain with those who have served.
I think it might be time to give “civilians” a break in the understanding department. Continue to be the support for each other that we know we are capable of being, continue to expect support from the American public when it comes to legislation and funding, and continue to appreciate the efforts that are made by a grateful nation. But understanding? I don’t believe it is a possible or reasonable expectation. And that is okay.
At the end of the day, we all have our challenges and struggles. We can support, gain perspective, and appreciate the plight of our fellow human beings without fully understanding. Military and civilian alike.
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