During our last assignment, I had a bit of a career crisis. After over 20 years of teaching, I didn’t feel the pull to be in the classroom. Since that was the case, I couldn’t in good conscience go back to that profession. So, what was I to do? I decided that I wanted a job to tide me over, one where I could relax and bring in some money until I found another passion.
Luckily for me, I found a job at a spa and I worked at the front desk. I truly loved what I was doing, especially the people I worked with. And I couldn’t discount all of the great perks that came along with the job – free massages, facials, and even chemical peels!
But then my husband got the call that he was to take command. After some contemplation, I decided that I didn’t want to work when we got to our new base. Instead, I wanted to just be a spouse, not “just a spouse.” Is there a difference? Of course, there is. The phrase “just a spouse” implies that you do nothing all day, that your job is to be a spouse with nothing else involved. Just being a spouse means that my “job” would entail devoting myself to Airmen and their families. And being a command spouse gives you the opportunity to help others.
First, let me say that I am grateful that I have a choice to work or not; I know that I am fortunate. But being a spouse during a command assignment means that I can do a lot of good. It isn’t written anywhere that you MUST not work during your spouse’s command. It used to be an understood rule that you would but times have changed. I know many spouses who have continued working throughout their military member’s career; we now have a choice.
If you listen to the military spouse gurus and their podcasts, they tend to remind you to find your passion as a military spouse so that you don’t lose your identity. I 100% agree with that. You are your own person and not a barnacle attached to your military spouse. But too often, they also say that being a spouse isn’t in that genre of “passion.” I ask why not?
As a seasoned spouse, you can have some influence over the way things are. I’m not talking about the ability to advance your spouse’s career, or to destroy it, for that matter. I’m referring to your ability to be seen and accessible; your chance to create an inclusive military family.
Back when we were newly married and new to the military, I was hoping for some sort of welcome. I really didn’t want the full head-on inundation of the military, but I was looking for some acknowledgement that we were part of a group. When my spouse brought home the information sheet, I gladly filled it out and waited.
I waited and waited and all I heard was radio silence. That small gesture (or lack thereof) left me with a bad taste in my mouth and encouraged me to stiff-arm the military and everything that went with it. I kept that position for quite a long time; that is until my spouse took his first command position.
Looking back on that time, it shouldn’t have taken me that long to change my opinion. I had met numerous men and women who loved their connection to the military. Some of that easily could have rubbed off on me. But I’m pig-headed and Italian so I couldn’t let it go.
When I finally gave in, it was to change how others viewed the military. I realized how much I had missed by ignoring that huge part of my husband’s life. And it wasn’t just the military balls or assorted ceremonies. I’m talking about the amazing tribe of spouses who are trying to make this life welcoming.
That’s what I am hoping to accomplish. Now that I am once again a commander’s spouse, I have the opportunity to set the tone of the wing for the families at this base. By not working, I am available to go to all the promotions, retirements, and graduations that happen. I want to let our spouses know that I think what the military and their spouses do is important. By setting that tone, I am hoping to establish a community vibe.
Now, I’m not saying that this can only be done by a commander’s spouse. No. Any spouse has the ability to make a positive difference in the lives of others on and off their installation. And if you can, please do. Our spouses have careers in service to others and many of us feel that same desire, just in a different capacity.
I’m not looking to be the center of attention; I don’t want the attention. What I want is to quietly welcome spouses to their “home.” I don’t introduce myself with my last name, nor my spouse’s rank. I’m Karen, just Karen. Remember that the focus is on the outcome, not the path to get there.
No one is saying that leadership spouses should be treated like the queen of Sheba. It’s not what we want to hear, especially since we don’t wear rank but since our spouses are higher ranking, we have some pull. We are like Farmers Insurance, “we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.” And that knowledge can help others if we let it.
