Choosing to Love Even When It Seems Impossible

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I asked Kim and Krickitt what sage advice they would share with military couples. They provided the following:

1. Routine in a marriage is a cuss word. Complacency creates stagnation. Find things that are out of the realm of normal to do for and with each other. Even when you feel like you are beginning to putter out of gas, find the way. Push the car or call in a tow truck; don’t just leave the car on the side of the road.
2. Write what you want to do together, and then try it together. Time apart can be a time to spur creativity. Use the time apart to dream out loud. If there were no limitations of time and money, how would you chose to spend your time together? Share those dreams with your significant other, and when your service member returns try to make those activities happen. Build new memories.
3. Risky business, creating trust. Do things together you would normally never do. Kim shared with me a story about a couple he counseled who was going through a low in their marriage; they literally were on the brink of divorce. Kim advised them to leave town for five days with no plan of where they were heading and taking nothing but the clothes on their backs. The couple took the risk and did as Kim advised; now the couple reminisce on the trip with fond memories and are still together.
4. Don’t dig trenches. Trench warfare may have its place in theater, but should be removed in marriages. Trenches we dig often don’t allow us to have a full view of the landscape. It’s easy to see the garbage wasn’t taken to the curb, but it doesn’t allow us to understand the circumstances that allowed someone to walk past the overflowing can as they walk through the front door.
5. Understand the POV. Experiences shape us. Understand that distance creates experiences we do not share with our mate. This doesn’t have to be a negative. In actuality it allows us to sharpen our compassion, but we have to be willing to look beyond how we were impacted and empathize with how our mate experienced the distance.
6. Appreciate the “little things.” Leave little surprises around the house for each other. Do little tasks for each other. Never say goodbye without a kiss, even when you are upset. Drink coffee in the morning together. DA is OK (PDA, without the P; your service member might get in trouble for Public Displays of Affection).
7. “Don’t Stop Believing.” When we are exhausted, we begin to lose hope. These are the times you have to lean on your memories (see number two) and your support system.
8. Canning for preservation. Canning preserves food and it can take an acidic or sweet approach. Intentionally loving is the same. The words we speak to and about our relationships are how we prepare the relationship for the future. What kind of taste will the words that you speak to and about your relationship bring to the future?
9. Understand each other’s love language. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages”  or The Love Dare are great tools for understanding the emotional needs of our significant other, and the ways we feel fulfilled in our relationships. Realize though that we have more than one love language, and they change over time.
10. INTENTIONALLY LOVE. Love your spouse with every intention. It is a guarantee you won’t always agree, but you can choose to make every decision intentional and every action filled with love.

Not often can I get my husband to sit and watch chick flicks with me, but he willingly watches “The Vow,” because it is based in truisms.

The Carpenters are the epitome of what conquering challenges as a couple look like. Regardless of the struggles you face as a military couple, choose to live love as a verb — the meaning is so much deeper.