In case it wasn’t hard enough to navigate the military policies as part of a dual military couple, there is also a large gap in understanding these couples. When I went to the mandatory pre-deployment family brief before I shipped off, our ombudsman assumed I was the spouse, not the member. She appeared shocked when I said I needed to put my husband’s information down for her to contact with any important information. I don’t know which surprised her more, that I was a female Sailor or that he was a male military spouse.
And when it came time for my husband to deploy, I was still on the ship so I missed the events where they prepared to send the Marines off. I missed the mid-deployment events because I was stationed too far away to attend, and I wasn’t kept up to date on what was going on with homecoming because my name wasn’t recognized by the FRO. If it wasn’t for another former Sailor-turned USMC wife I am not sure I would have made it to the homecoming on time!
Going to events with each other was a rarity. It took 4 days of leave just to attend the USMC ball one year. And when I got there some of the other spouses didn’t quite know how to interact with someone who could get all dolled up but talked military talk with fluency.
This gap between traditional military families and dual military families becomes very obvious when you’re in the mix. We aren’t treated like married couples according to our paperwork. My husband wasn’t my dependent until he separated from the Marines earlier this year. Some people I have worked with have accused me of giving up my Navy career for my husband.
Dual military couples know from the onset that it’s likely one person’s career is going to become the primary one to support. It’s very difficult to have two active duty military members achieving the highest ranks at the same time because of the requirements that come with rank. The typical military spouse knows the challenges that come with trying to maintain a career while their spouse is active duty.
Imagine trying to balance two military careers.
PCS orders rarely time out perfectly.
Advancements put one spouse ahead of the other.
Operational requirements keep both spouses out of the home for long periods of time.
And instead of dreading one upcoming deployment, dual military couples are always on the alert knowing that at any time they could both be sent off.
For those that aren’t a part of the dual military lifestyle, I just ask that you have a little compassion when you meet a spouse for the first time. Remember that they are going through the same military headaches that you are. Remember that they are probably struggling with the same problems that you are when it comes to housing and military medical policies.
Remember that they might not understand the branch that their spouse serves in as well as they understand their own branch. And most of all remember that they are still a part of this big military family and who knows, they just might turn out to be a great ally when you need a little help.
