Sending Messages and Wearing Emotions
Where are my fellow RBF’s? Although, the term “resting b**** face” can be dissected at length – there’s no denying that it exists. A one-star’s wife shared her story once with our group; rumor had gotten back to her that she “always just looked plain mean.” She’s one of the kindest souls I’ve met, but her lesson was one for all of us. I flat-out asked my husband, “Do you think I have RBF?” and gave him what I thought was simply a measured, “listening” expression. He took a picture, and I was shocked at how mean I looked too!
So, at large gatherings – especially where I may not get to talk to everyone, I am always mindful of what “message” my face and body language is sending. In the military, perception can often be reality – so if I look unapproachable, I lose valuable opportunities to connect. I’m still myself, and have not swung to the opposite extreme of a permanent plastered smile, but I am more mindful of my expressions now.
We had to adjust our communication style, as a couple
One of our first spats under the mantle of command stemmed from miscommunication.
My husband has always very much been the “problem-solver” type. Give that man so much as a whiff of a problem and he immediately goes into problem-solving mode.
As a Commander – he receives a constant stream of information daily, about a variety of things (mission ops and status, reports and briefs, personnel, etc.) – and has to decide what needs to be done with that information. That tendency is hard to turn off.
So on one particular instance – what I viewed as me simply telling him about my day and a particular event, he viewed as a problem to solve – and instantly morphed into telling me what I needed to do to fix it. I didn’t need or want anything fixed – I just wanted him to listen, and became aggravated that he was trying to “fix” it. In his mind – I had come to him with a problem, and he had ideas to solve it.
In that moment, we both realized our communication styles and needs had changed. It became a growing point in our marriage. We also read and discussed the “Five Love Languages” which I would highly recommend as a couple. I valued ‘words of affirmation’, he valued ‘acts of service’ but we both learned in our new and different leadership expectations, we also needed to adjust our communication with each other.
The Unit is Always on our Mind
Very early into command, my husband and I sat down and thoroughly discussed what our goals would be. We sought mentors, and seminars, and saw the value of approaching a command as a team.
So we discuss the unit, and think about everyone in it, all the time. We talk about successes, and how we can build better support. Yes, we do make time for self-care, and reserve time for ourselves, but the unit really is always on our minds.
Thank you for reading! I hope I offered a perspective that may have been useful, or at least entertaining. I can only share what my experiences have been, and what I hope to the best of my abilities were positive impacts.
I’d like to leave you with this thought, and quote that a senior spouse shared with me when we first entered command.
When you are tired, learn to rest. Not quit.
Because Commander’s spouse, or not, we’re all in this wonderful, wild and crazy military life together!
