4) Reward yourself each time you choose to keep idiotic people alive

The level of other people’s idiocy will double (sometimes triple) when a deployment begins. It’s as if the universe is keeping your already thin ability to cope in emergency mode 24/7. Pick a snack, a show, a drink, or a sleeping pill that you can reward yourself with when you choose not to hit that person with your car.

Also, maybe call a therapist. See below.

5) Add your therapy hours

So far, it’s 16 and counting. Which, coincidentally enough, means I’ve saved 16 idiotic people’s lives.

6) Tally how many dollars it takes to pay the babysitter for a night of freedom

One night I told the babysitter I was going to run some errands, but instead sat in the car in the driveway weeping as I listened to Jim Dale narrate the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Best $20 I ever paid a babysitter.

7) ….and how many times the lawn gets mowed

One. One time. I told my kids it was specifically for a game called, “It’s a Jungle Out There!” They rested in the shade of an overgrown weed exotic plant.