By Michelle Bowler – @TheWaitingWarriors – [email protected]
We’ve been thinking about reintegration the wrong way. Things aren’t “going back to normal” when your service member returns home. Everyone involved has grown and changed, so we need to approach things differently and be patient with the process. Instead of thinking things will go back to normal, think of this season after your service member comes home as a time to REBUILD.
Embrace Change
When your service member returns, it’s natural to long for the way things used to be. However, the reality is that both of you have changed. You’ve learned things about yourself during the time apart, and so has your service member. This period of growth is a natural part of life and, importantly, not something to be afraid of.
Reintegration isn’t about snapping back to how things were before. It’s about acknowledging and embracing the changes both of you have experienced. It’s learning to love each other in this present moment. By recognizing that you are not the same people you were before the deployment, you can approach this new chapter with a sense of curiosity and openness.
Shift Your Mindset
One of the most important steps in this process is to shift your mindset from expecting a return to the old normal to embracing the concept of rebuilding. This means being open to new ways of relating to each other, new routines, and new dynamics in your relationship. Rebuilding is an active process that involves effort, patience, and flexibility. Rebuilding requires the same intentionality and care you had when you were dating.
Instead of viewing these changes with apprehension, see them as opportunities for growth and deepening your connection. Remember, growth can be a powerful positive force in your relationship. So all the time the military takes your partner away can be an opportunity to bring your closer together, if you work for it.
Communicate with Love and Honesty
Effective communication is the foundation of successful reintegration. It’s essential to communicate with love and honesty, addressing any concerns or feelings openly. This kind of communication fosters trust and understanding, helping both of you navigate the complexities of reintegration. It definitely is easier said then done, especially when fighting the common thought
Here are a few tips for maintaining healthy communication:
- Be Patient: Understand that both of you might need time to adjust. Patience with each other and with yourselves is crucial.
- Express Feelings: Share your thoughts and emotions openly. Keeping things bottled up can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
- Listen Actively: Truly listen to your partner’s experiences and feelings without judgment or taking things personally. This helps in building empathy and understanding.
- Stay Positive: Focus on the positives and appreciate the efforts both of you are making to reconnect.
Adapt and Grow Together
Adapting to the changes doesn’t mean losing your individuality or the essence of your relationship. It means being willing to evolve together. Here are some ways to adapt and grow as a couple:
- Create New Routines: Establish new routines that fit your current situation and everyone’s needs. Whether it’s regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins, creating new traditions can strengthen your bond.
- Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from counseling or support groups. Talking to others who understand your situation can provide valuable insights and encouragement.
- Be Flexible: Flexibility is key. Understand that things might not always go as planned, and being able to adapt to changes can ease the transition.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate the small steps you both take towards rebuilding your relationship. These moments of progress can be incredibly motivating.
- Don’t Be The Martyr: No one in the family needs to be put in a position where their healing and adjustment is less of a priority. Rebuilding together means that everyone’s wellness is important and necessary.
Practical Tips for Rebuilding
- Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that the process of rebuilding will take time. Set realistic expectations for yourselves and your relationship.
- Focus on Self-Care: Both partners should prioritize self-care. Taking care of your physical and mental health will better equip you to support each other.
- Reconnect Intentionally: Make intentional efforts to reconnect. This might mean scheduling time for deep conversations, engaging in activities you both enjoy, or simply spending quality time together.
- Be Compassionate: Show compassion towards each other. Understand that reintegration can be challenging for both parties and that it’s okay to have ups and downs.
A Time for New Beginnings
Remember, this period of reintegration is not about returning to the past but about creating a new beginning. It’s a time to rebuild your relationship, taking into account the growth and changes you’ve both experienced. With the right mindset, open communication, and a willingness to adapt, this season can be an opportunity to strengthen your bond and build an even more resilient relationship.
Don’t fear the changes—embrace them. Keep communicating with love and honesty, and be patient with yourselves. Rebuilding takes time, but it’s a journey worth taking together.
You’re not alone in this. Many military spouses have walked this path and come out stronger on the other side. Embrace this time of rebuilding with an open heart, and you’ll find that you can create a new, fulfilling normal together.
Michelle Bowler is an outdoor lover, mom of 4 girls on earth and a son in heaven, Army wife of 12 years, and entrepreneur and content creator. Michelle created The Waiting Warriors Podcast, website, and social media to help military loved ones know how to thrive in their life of supporting service https://www.instagram.com/thewaitingwarriors/. After interviewing over 100 military loved ones for the podcast, Michelle realized there was a serious lack in practical resources for military spouses facing deployment and reintegration, so she created a workbook https://thewaitingwarriors.com/staying-connected-during-military-separations-eworkbook/ and course, Bulletproof Your Reintegration, https://thewaitingwarriors.com/bulletproof-your-reintegration-a-military-spouse-guide-to-a-healthy-reintegration/, to help guide military spouses through the ever-changing transition.
