By Traci McCombs | Road2Motherhood
When my grandmother took her last breath on May 31st of this year, I wasn’t there. Like hundreds of thousands of other people around the world, I was mourning in isolation at home. As a military spouse I have faced unprecedented circumstances – like birthing and raising my first born with a deployed husband or PCSing across the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. For years military spouses have found creative ways to make it through hard times – I knew there had to be a way to find closure 5,200 miles away.
5,200 Miles Across the World
I never imagined I would have to say goodbye to my grandmother over the phone halfway across the world.
Before my family moved to Stuttgart, Germany for my Army Husband’s new assignment with U.S. Africa Command, my MeMom hugged me tight and said, “I’m afraid I’m never going to see you again.” I told her that was nonsense and I promised her we would see each other soon.
But on May 31st I wasn’t back home in Wichita Falls, Texas holding my MeMom’s hand. I was crying in my husband’s arms 5,200 miles away in Germany, unable to keep my promise.
I now live in a world that is facing a pandemic – a world that has every reason to prevent me from seeing her – a world that, in many ways, needed me to miss her funeral.
Covid-19
It’s been hard to accept this new normal. The nightmare of not being able to mourn the loss of a family member or friend has become reality for so many people since Covid-19. In America many funerals have been postponed or turned into drive-up viewings where people can safely hide behind closed windows. Here in Germany, we have witnessed thousands of our neighbors down in Italy being denied funeral services with no chance to see their loves ones again.
I Had a Choice
Unlike most people that lost loved ones this year – I had the choice to travel home. Life since Covid-19 has made international travel and fellowship a dangerous gamble. I wasn’t sure what to do.
I could make it to my grandmother in time – but I would have to ignore the 14-day quarantine guidelines for international travel that states I should stay home, avoid contact with others, and stay away from gatherings.
My husband and I looked at the number of plane changes and the current travel restrictions for both the United States and Germany. We researched the number of cases in the cities I could possibly land. We weighed our options.
As much as I wanted to be there – deep down I knew I couldn’t take the risk it would require. If I unknowingly infected an entire funeral service of family and friends (mostly elderly above the age of 60) – I would never forgive myself.
While my need for closure was immense, I knew MeMom would support my decision to stay in Germany.
Military Spouses Don’t Always Have a Choice
Before Covid-19 military spouses were faced with difficult decisions about civilian funerals. The sad truth is many times military spouses don’t have a choice to attend. Deployments, PCS moves, lack of local family support, finances, and a number of other unique situational challenges can prevent military spouses from being able to attend funerals of civilian friends and family.
Finding Closure
There are steps you can take to move forward when you don’t have closure. This week I have tried all five steps – and each one as brought me one step closer to the peace I am longing for.
Try to Contribute to the Funeral
- Pull out old pictures of you and your loved one. Scan them and send them to the funeral director or a family member and ask that they be included in the tribute video or slideshow.
- Submit a story to be added to the printed or online memory book.
- Send flowers or donate to the selected charity.
- If you were a best friend or close relative who would likely be asked to give a speech – ask if you can submit a video to be played at the service.
- If you are musically talented – record a song and send it to the family. Offer for the song to be played at an appropriate time or be used however it can support the family.
Request a Virtual Option for the Funeral
My family worked with Dignity Memorial and Faith Baptist Church to figure out virtual options. I was able to watch the visual and funeral service on my TV with my husband. Watching the service live meant so much to me. It made me feel like I was a part of the celebration of life. Although a live virtual may not be available, a video recording often is. Worst case scenario – ask a family member to bring a computer to setup.
Connect with Family and/or Friends
- Connect with those who were also close with the lost loved one. See if you can schedule a Zoom meeting to share old memories and good times.
- Schedule one on one video calls with a few different friends. Ask how they are doing. Share how you feel.
- If you’re creative – ask your family and friends for their favorite pictures. Make a slideshow to present to everyone and ask them to share their favorite memories.
Make a List of Things to Be Grateful For
Being grateful helps our physical health, psychological health, and increases our mental strength. Give it a try, you might be surprised at how many things you can list.
Write a Letter
If you are still struggling to find closure, write a letter to your loved one. Write down why it hurts that you couldn’t say goodbye, why it hurts that you missed the funeral, and what you wish you could have said. Then, find a personal way to release the letter – like tying it to a balloon or burying it in a wrapped box.
Resources for Military Families
*USAA is a partner of Military Spouse
