Children
At the beginning of the deployment, your young children may go up to every person who wears a uniform and call them “mommy” or “daddy.” It can be heartbreaking. They are too confused to know that the person wearing a flight suit at the BX isn’t their dad. Later, as time passes, it might seem funny when it happens. No matter when it occurs, you profusely apologize to the imposter. But then the day arrives when you are a family again. Only this time, your young one refuses to go see their parent.
Or imagine your infant cries every time she gets held by your spouse. Even though they laughed and gurgled when you FaceTimed each other, the reality is different.
Compare it to children watching Disney movies and falling in love with one of the characters. One day you make the trek to DisneyWorld. You can’t wait to introduce your child to their favorite cartoon only to have them wail and howl at the sight of the 6-foot tall Tigger. There is no way to rationalize with the child.
A different scenario is one with older children. Everyone steps up when a parent is gone. If you have teenagers, they may assume the role of mom or dad. They help out the remaining parent and believe they are of vital importance to the smooth running of the household. When your servicemember returns, the child tells them, “Mom (or Dad), I don’t know where you fit into this family anymore. We have a routine and you are causing problems.” Responding emotionally isn’t the best way to go but unfortunately, it happens to us all. Sitting down and having an adult conversation with them is the first step. Setting expectations are another. Just like most of the steps in reintegration, this one takes time to implement.
When it comes to problems with your children, it hurts your heart more than you can imagine. Eventually, all this will pass and the connection will resume, but that interim time, it is really difficult.
You
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that your spouse was in a life-and-death situation for so long and they need their subordinates to react quickly. That transition isn’t easy for them, but you certainly don’t want it at home. When he is barking orders at you, you might find it easy to mockingly salute him and say, “yes, sir!” If you’re lucky, he realizes that he is no longer in country and will revert back to husband-mode. But not all conversations are that simple.
As the one remaining stateside, you have held down the fort, kept the home fires burning, and generally kicked butt (or at least survived). You were ready for the anger that might accompany your servicemember’s return, but what of your own feelings? The experts talk of being open with each other on this front, but that can be easier said than done. You have had to hold it all together during the long months of separation but once your partner is home, they can assume some responsibility. But how do you relinquish some of that control? The result might be an emotional outburst, either in the form of anger or tears. You might feel like a failure because you are no longer able to handle it all. Or you may lose it because you finally can let go. Either way, it is ok. There are plenty of MFLACs (Military and Family Life Counselors) available to talk to free of charge.
Above all, remember that you are not alone. You may think you are the only one that these things have happened to but that’s not the case. Ask around and you’ll see.
