Alcoholism had robbed me of a good husband, it robbed me of a hero. We tend to place service members on a pedestal. Alcoholism knocked my husband off the pedestal. He was robbed of honor, and the courage to fight the monster in the bottle.
Alcohol feeds lies. It disguises itself as a friend and healer. It brainwashes, it demands complete loyalty. It stalks and taunts. It terrorizes all in its path.
My husband nearly lost everything including his family, career and life because alcohol promised to rid him of his problems and bring happiness.
During the darkest, loneliest hours of my marriage I wanted to walk away. Would I have left him if he had cancer? Substance abuse is a disease. It is the worst disease. It’s a family disease. It’s the only disease its’ victims fight for, not against.
I couldn’t let the disease define him. I had seen him through the bottle, not the heart.
Actress and comedian, Carol Burnett, nearly lost her daughter to substance abuse. In an interview, Burnett shared her wisdom. To help her daughter, she had to be ok with loving her enough, to let her hate her. In the struggles to help my husband, I remind myself that it’s ok to let him hate me. I care more about his life, than my feelings.
Just as a bad “friend,” alcohol promises a good time, but when things go south, it points fingers. The booze-soaked culture of the military promises good times, pledges loyalty and is easily led down a destructive path. When alcohol rears its ugly head, finger pointing begins. Fingers point to anything else, but refuse to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
The military lives by the motto, “never leave a man behind.” Alcoholism is a battle, the longest and most destructive battle. The most insidious enemy.
In a community that demands strength and resiliency, substance abuse is treated as a moral failing. Admitting our spouses are imperfect human beings, not immune to disease can be scary. The shame of the disease, fear of alienation and destroying a career, isolates us. It’s our communal silence that allows substance abuse to prey on more victims.
I remained silent for 10 years. It took my husband nearly dying to admit he has a disease, but a very treatable disease. It took 10 years and fate to introduce me to a fellow military spouse, also married to an alcoholic. When we finally emerged from the shadows of our fear and shame, others came forward. We come from different backgrounds, different branches, our spouses range from junior enlisted to senior officers. The military segregates us by branch and rank, but we are the same. Just as our spouses are united by their service and a shared disease, we are also united. We fight the same battles, and we rejoice when freed from the chains of addiction.
It was a long, lonely, dark path, but when I came to a clearing I found a family. We all started from different places, but our paths were the same, and we all sought the same destination.
If this is your story, if you wonder if you are alone, if you feel scared and alone—you aren’t. Look around, step out of the shadows and you will find a new family.
I am here, we are here. Your loneliness ends today.
If you need someone, reach out anonymously for help to [email protected]. All correspondence will remain private….
