As military spouses, we all dread the D-word: Deployment.
And even though our lives are turned upside down and everything changes while staying the same, it’s not as hard as what our spouses go through when they’re away from home, though it can be challenging for us to cope as we adjust to our new normal.
When our spouses leave, they’re not just adjusting to a new (and often crappy!) environment, but they’re also worrying about us and how easy it is for us to access the resources we need while they’re gone. We talk so much about care packages for deployed servicemembers, and rightly so, but what should we be doing as fellow spouses for the families left back home around us?
We need to be a part of the village.
One of the hardest parts about being a military family is moving every 2-4 years and literally needing to rebuild your “village” from the ground up with each PCS. When new families check-in, the number one thing we need to push ourselves to do is to be there for them because we have all been that spouse, and there is nothing worse than being that spouse and having your husband or wife deploy before you feel like you have access to all the resources that you may need while your spouse is away.
Thankfully these days, putting yourself out there to offer support could be as simple as offering a coffee or play date when a new spouse introduces herself in an online group for your base. No one understands the challenges that we go through or the programs offered to help support our families better than another military family.
Even if you’re at a base where servicemembers don’t typically deploy, it is still important to do this because you never know when a family will need support and it is always possible for a servicemember to become mobilized for a deployment – and if the latter does happen, that spouse will already have a few familiar people that he or she will be more comfortable with reaching out to in a time of need.
Doesn’t the FRG take care of supporting the families back home?
Most commands will have some sort of group put together before the deployment to support the families and pass along information, and for families with individuals mobilized to join other units for a deployment, they’ll often have a point of contact to look after the servicemember’s family. But, not all families are welcoming or able to accept this of this type of support, and some even live too far away or have other situations, such as health conditions or lack of childcare, that may prevent them from accessing it.
Let’s be real – What can I do?
There are plenty of ways that you can support another spouse and their family during a deployment. One of the most needed (and mentioned) types of support that families with children need is reliable childcare that is affordable from a trustworthy source. While there are extra pays associated with deployments, such as Family Separation Pay, many families will lose or have an income source drastically reduced during a deployment because the spouse was primarily working during the hours the servicemember was home to care for their children. Helping to provide childcare for another family or giving them a recommendation on a great (and affordable!) sitter is one of the best ways you can help a family with younger children.
Some other ways that you can help families, regardless if they have children:
- Mowing their lawn or shoveling their walkway, depending on the season and geographical location.
- Sending a meal or gift card – bonus points if the restaurant offers delivery.
- Sending an invite for them to join you for dinner, a coffee date, or a night out. An invite is especially important during the holidays, as many families are unable to travel home and feeling alone during the holidays is the worst feeling ever.
And most importantly, checking in via text. Many times we need help, but we don’t want to ask for it. Checking in regularly can help you gauge if there’s an unmet need without actually putting them in a position where they feel like they have to ask, as asking for help can be awkward for us spouses, especially since we generally tend to be (or at least seem) extremely independent.
When you’re wondering if you should step up and help a family, think about all the times you made something look easy when in reality, you were screaming inside for someone to notice that you were practically drowning and needed a friend. Be the spouse that you needed when times were hard.
