When the door to the office opened and a man entered the room I could barely see him out of the corner of my eye. As I spun around I noticed my husband’s lieutenant standing in the doorway. He stared at me. His lieutenant was a close friend of ours. He had been to our house dozens of times for dinners, parties, laughter, and unforgettable memories. “No, no, no, no, no!!!” I remember screaming. I completely fell apart as soon as I saw him standing before my eyes in his dress greens uniform. It’s true. He wouldn’t be here if my husband were alive. He’d never put me or the kids through this horror if he didn’t know for sure. I screamed, I shook, I sobbed. I fell to the floor.
My husband was dead. My husband was dead. I kept repeating those words in my head over and over as I rocked back and forth on the floor. The father of our beautiful children would never return to American soil alive. I would never touch him again. Never hear his voice. Never see his smiling face. My son would never play soccer with him again. No more snow ball fights. No more sharing mint chocolate chip ice cream shakes. The days of yelling at my son AND my husband to behave and stop beating each other up had come to an end. Family vacations were over. Discussing our days at the dinner table with the kids ended, right there on the floor of an office building in Fayetteville, NC. My children’s lives would be left empty without the guidance and love of a father who spent his days fulfilling their dreams. Who would fix the bikes before our bike rides? Who would cook dinner on the grill? Who would teach our daughter to swim just like he had taught our son? Who would start my car on cold winter days so the kids and I wouldn’t be cold? The pain inside me was unbearable. I couldn’t breathe. And the kids and I hadn’t even endured the worst yet. Everyone in the room watched me crumble as I lost everything I had worked so hard for all my life. I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed to God. I asked him to take us too. I begged him. Please God, please, please, please take the kids and me too. Take us with him. We don’t want to be here on earth without him for all the years to come.
After reading my story, my only hope is that I have shed some light on the lives of military spouses, children and families. Not just the spouses of the fallen, but the spouses of all our military still fighting for our country.
