The holiday season is gearing up and the hometown hustle is about to be in full swing. It is time to load up the car, all of the kids (plus all their gear), the family pets, and way too much luggage for the great exodus back home. For military families, holiday travel can sometimes prove to be the most stressful season of the year. Many extended family members and friends may not quite understand how taxing traveling can be and always seem to ask, “When are you coming to see me?”
Hopefully, in this helpful “how-to” segment, we can discover a few new ways to save your sanity, set some boundaries, and communicate some healthy expectations when traveling home for the holidays.
When our kids were younger, the journey home always felt like an Olympic event. The drive to see family was extensive, nearly 12 hours. (While 12 hours is definitely not the worst, spending half a day with a screaming, colicky baby, two fighting toddlers, and a barking dog in a tiny rolling box would have anyone crying out for mercy.)
Essentially, visiting home required us to practically move. Pack and play? Check. High chair? Check. Seventeen thousand pairs of pajamas and three full packs of diapers? Check. Check. We can’t even begin to mention the absurd amounts of blankets, stuffed animals, and car snacks we shoved into our mini-van. Add in the fact that my husband used up all his leave and we threw a full paycheck at the expense to visit, and you’ve got yourself a bucket of angst.
There is one thing that never failed to happen. Someone would always pose the question “When are you coming to see me?” A friend of mine, who was not in the military community, gave me an exasperated gasp when I told her she was welcome to drive the 20 minutes across town to come see us. I mean, after all, we had driven across three states, spent $700 bucks, and used up all of our vacation time.
Over the years I have found that a healthy dose of tracking your capacity, good boundaries, and a bit of honest communication can go a long way in handling the hometown hustle.
First, take a good look at the amount of time you’ll be visiting and the real capacity you have. If you have a ton of family or people to visit, it is unlikely that you can visit all 25 of your best friends, your aunts and uncles, or first cousins in three days. *Pro tip: Ask whoever you’re staying with to help you by hosting an “open house” of sorts. Put out some appetizers or snacks and have everyone come and see you.
Next, hold fast to your boundaries (whatever they are). Don’t want to spend all of your time at home driving from pace to place? Don’t. Would you rather lick a gas station toilet seat than to sit through an uncomfortable visit with an estranged relative? Take a pass. *Pro Tip: Talk with your spouse about what you are and are not willing to do and plan accordingly.
Finally, just have the talk with your fam beforehand. Let them know how you are feeling. Tell them what you are giving up to get there. Ask them for the help you want or tell them what you expect. Do not, I repeat, do not just expect them to know. They won’t (and you will most likely be disappointed). *Pro Tip: I ask them to have a couple of things on hand, like the kid’s favorite breakfast cereals or snacks they like so I don’t have to over pack or grocery shop right when I get there. I also share that we might be tired, and the kids may be cranky on the first day, so we try not to plan anything big on the first day in town. You catch the drift. The answer to an unasked question is always “no.”
Here’s the thing. Our families and friends may or may not understand what it really costs for us to visit. But, one thing is certain. They definitely won’t know if we aren’t sharing with them what we need. Take a moment to ask yourself what a successful trip home looks like and ask away.
