If you two do have different beliefs then one of the biggest conversations you need to have is about children. You know that talking about how to raise children is important, but when you share different faiths you need to talk to your spouse about which faith you want to raise your children in. My parents were raised very traditional Catholic and agreed when they had children they would allow us to figure out our own path. For my sister that meant picking no religion. For me it meant trying out all of them before I settled into a church that I felt was home with beliefs that I could stand behind. My husband and I have discussed what we would do if we decide to have children. I do believe allowing them to have the freedom to choose their own path is the right thing to do but it is also important to me that they be exposed to my faith and my traditions. My husband might not follow the same religious path as me, but he respects what I believe in and understands why it is so important to me that our children are raised in the church but with free will.
I spoke to Dana, a first-time parent this year, about how she and her husband deal with the differences in their faith when it comes to children.
“I’m Catholic, Ben’s not. For me, it was important enough that before we got married we agreed that we would raise our children as Catholic and he would come to church with us to help foster that. I definitely feel it needs to be a before-marriage discussion, especially when you want kids. It’s one thing you say, ‘oh I love you no matter what religion and it will all work out,’ and another to actually make it work.”
Even if you and your spouse do come to an agreement on how children will be raised, it can be a struggle. Dana told me about a Christian friend of hers that is married a Jewish man. The two agreed to raise the children Jewish, but the wife still struggles with that decision. She often feels like her children are missing out on things on Christian holidays when their cousins are discussing Christmas traditions and hunting for Easter eggs. If it comes to that, where one spouse is starting to resent the other’s faith, it might be time to discuss again where you stand on traditions.
It’s important that you are willing to embrace your differences without making your partner feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t hurt to do a little research on the traditions of the faith your spouse practices. Learn about the Holy days and the importance of why they do things a specific way. You don’t need to agree with their beliefs and you don’t need to follow traditions that are completely opposite of your own but by educating yourself on those things you can show your spouse that you understand it’s an important part of who they are.
