Since September 11, 2001, a large number of families have had similar experiences. Some 3.6 million military personnel are married, and of these some 75% have dependent children (Verdeli, H… 2011). Many of those 75% are likely experiencing the same things as me. Forced to place a smile on their face when their husband calls from the field even though they feel like screaming. No matter what stress is occurring at home, they cannot express their frustrations. All frustration must be held inside; nothing can distract their soldier from his task at hand.
The pressures of being a single married mother are enormous. I remember calling my mother in the midst of everything expressing my “thank you” to her. She asked “Why?” and I answered, “Because mom you showed me how to be an incredible single mother.” She taught me how to multi task under extreme pressure. She was always there for my brothers and I. Every school function, sports activity, and other fun activities. We had food on the table, clothes on our backs, and she never missed a day’s work. I cannot help but wonder though, how other married single mothers are coping. Do they, like me have support? How are they managing things? How are the kids coping? How can telling my story be of help to them?
In a recent number studies, evidence has shown that there are high rates of mental health difficulties especially depression and anxiety in the spouses of deployed service members (Verdeli, H…2011). Spouses of service members who are deployed, face the challenges of worrying about and supporting a loved one for an extended period of time without knowing if or when their loved one will return home (Gewirtz, A…2011). This type of experience is unique in that these spouses are married but living the life of a single parent and at the same time worrying if they will become a full fledge single parent at anytime.
This is a fear that was consistently in my thoughts for a long period of time. Once my soldier came home, I thought things would return to normal. I quickly realized that my experience of being married with the single mother role was evermore. As the wife of a soldier who I knew could leave at anytime, I always lived with the fear of him never coming home. However, this fear was coupled with the lack of security and that made the fear ten times worse. To complicate matters, I was alone and knew that no one else could possibly understand how I felt.
Now he is home and I am still alone. Music is my comfort zone and the one thing I turned to find a place of peace: in particular the song If You’re Gone by Matchbox 20. A summary of the lyrics within this song captures the essence of my experience. “I think I’ve already lost you, I think you’re already gone, I think I’m finally scared now, and you think I’m weak, I think you’re wrong… There’s a little bit of something me in everything in you (Matchbox 20).”
While alone or scared, I would play and sing this song over and over; even today this is my go to place of reflection. The lyrics in this song are an example of my feelings and signify the life that God has handed me. I feel like the husband I married is gone and I want more than anything for him to come home. Yes there is a little bit of something me: in him. Just like Rob sings it.
As I sit and wait all alone in the emergency room, I watch people go by and they all seem normal. “I wonder what they are here for” I ask myself. “No one is ever with me when these things happen” I whisper. No one will ever understand my life. “If I could just have my pre 9/11 husband back for one day” I say out loud. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming. Then I remember Rob’s lyrics. All those times I wished for him to come home and he did; yet he did not. He is gone and at times I think he is mean, but then I know it was not he.
As I sit at the ball diamond, watching our son-playing ball I look around the park and see couples. The moms and dads sitting together watch their child play. I am alone with no one to talk to, but somehow manage to smile. The list goes on, ball games, choir concerts, parent teacher conferences and all the kisses of boo boo’s, nursing broken hearts, and dealing with all those childhood altercations. I found the solutions to each of them by my lonesome.
“Hey, are you awake?” he ask while hovering over me as I sleep in bed “What is it, what’s wrong?” I ask with through vision and eyes that feel like sand paper. “I need to go to the ER, my heart is out of control.” He says while pacing the floor with a washcloth planted to his forehead. “My heart is going nuts, I cannot get it to settle down” he exclaims in a panic while pacing the floor. I crawl out of bed, throw clothes on and grab the keys. To the emergency room we head, and a long day of uncertainty begins. I was supposed to start a new job today and I knew immediately that was not happening. As I sit in his room, I began to formulate a plan to ensure I still have a job at the end of the day. Hours later they discovered he was in A Fib (Irregular heart rhythm) they were going to have to shock him back into sinus rhythm.
Thoughts entered my mind returning from a Caregivers meeting. “If I could have him back (my husband of before), I would tell him how I love him and let him know that no matter I am here to stay.” I would reassure him not to worry about the kids; I will ensure they are taken care of. While driving tears flow down my face, remembering the man I married. The one, who smiled, laughed, was full of life, and would jump at adventure. I am alone in a world that no one could imagine. Married yet living the life of a single mother.
Military life is an entirely different culture from our civilian counterparts. All of the accounts I have faced over the years can be applied to the following examples discussed in a recent journal article: the missing of safety, managing the household budget and confusion over military entitlements, and general life events. In multiple deployments situations this process continues (Baptist, J…2011). Taking all of this information into consideration, leaves me to think there is a great deal of wives left in situations like mine. Left experiencing and managing the stressors, that impacts not only them but also the wellbeing of the entire family. Putting them at risk to increased depression, anxiety, and sleep problems during and after deployments (Baptist, J…2011). I am fighting my war at home and I am unarmed in this battle.
It is evident that members of military, who are married or in relationships have to manage with intense pressure and adapt to the multitude changes related to deployments and reintegration. Understanding the effects of the stressors from deployments as well as how individuals in these marriages and relationships cope and adapt to these stressors is imperative (Baptist, J…2011). Without learning more about the effects on marriages, many couples needs will be left unaddressed.
Since 9/11, there is countless number of military families facing new challenges within their families similar to mine. In a recent study of 18 Wisconsin wives, five stressors were identified; worrying, waiting, going it alone, double duty, and loneliness (Lapp, C… 2010). This confirms my story, since the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq spouses on the home front have been largely invisible to our collective consciousness. The suffering of the spouses is often a quiet hidden phenomenon (Lapp, C… 2010).
The first stressor, Worrying, comes in many different levels. Initially it is related to safety concerns and then progresses to the fear of the unknown. The unknown of what the soldier is experiencing and ultimately what is going to happen once back home. In the words of another wife “I know he can’t come back exactly the same person he was when he left.” Another reflected “I’m much more independent, and I think I’m a lot stronger than I was,” (Lapp, C… 2010). I can relate to both of these statements. Both are a result of the experience of worrying on all levels. As a wife, we go it alone. All the time us wives are worrying, we are waiting which is the second stressor.
