Mom Confessions: Our Dirty Little Secrets Come Out

1. Did my kid just pee in the tub? That depends… is there over an inch of water deep already? Are the toys already submerged? Nah…that wasn’t pee..that was drool.
2. Breakfast… pop tarts are a popular breakfast food- that’s basically a pastry which is basically a cookie so that package of chips ahoy- totally okay.
3. I birthed humans, my bladder is never going to be the same. They did this to me. So yes, yes it does indeed take me at least 10-12 minutes to pee- unless my phone is dead then it takes about 30 seconds.
4. Somebody’s pediatrician once told them that kids need like 15 hours of sleep. It makes sense. Slipping the tablet under their pillows to allow them to -you know- look at the time and continue sleeping if the house still happens to be quiet, is a good form of go- back -to -sleep- or…*cough* just- lay- there- until -I say -you- can “wake up,” *cough* encouragement. At least that’s what that one gal’s pediatrician said.
5. We would never lie to our kids. Children however have little concept of money. Therefore, “I’ll pay you two dollars if you scratch my back for thirty minutes,” actually means, “I’ll pay you whatever change I can find the dryer…eventually…unless you forget..then it’s just a good lesson in selfless service.” Look at you, teaching your little ones to “give back.”
6. We would never cuss. So when our older children ask us why we constantly make our toddlers say, “I don’t give a fox,” or “I’m such a little ship,” in front of our friends, we simply explain that it is a phonics exercise. They’ll understand when they are older.
7. Once again we would never lie, but children need to the know the power of consequences. Like when punishment for a crime results in no more TV for the rest of the day…well until 2:30…then we can compromise and trade no more TV for no more books or something.
8. I pray your child is afraid of some ridiculous object. The quaker oatmeal man, an oven mitt, the Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle, or a lizard from the dollar store. If you’re one of the lucky ones.. you put that crap everywhere: your makeup bag, the drawer of finger nail polish, in front of the q-tip box, and anywhere else that seems to scream “break me!” or “dump me EVERYWHERE!” The experts call it, “natural deterrent.” Bless those experts.
9. Cereal, dry shampoo, and Oxyclean are LIFE
10. Finally… calling the pizza guy and ordering an entire pizza just so he will deliver you a liter of diet coke is not pathetic, it’s genius.

There you have it my friends. “We’ve got this,” all of it. The skills, tools, and wit, and even if we seem to lack a few key things to conquer whatever it is that needs conquering-we make wingin’ it look like an Oscar performance. Fist pump to the moms of the world.