1. It takes more than words…
So where do we start?
Verbal explanations and instructions … let’s face it, it is easiest to communicate verbally when parenting children. We’re humans; spoken language is what differentiates us from all the other critters on this earth!
However, many times children have limited understanding of the concepts behind the language we use. When trying to stop or change a behavior, we tend to convey how their behavior makes people feel or the effect it will have on the environment around us, but they might have a limited understanding of what the words really mean, especially younger aged kiddos.
Additionally, often children really just want their parent’s attention.
Do you see your child misbehave more when you are attending to their siblings? Do they talk a little bit louder when they see you are on the phone? There is a strong chance they are attempting to get your attention.
But when you see this, what is a parent’s most natural first reaction? You typically stop what you’re doing to give verbal instructions to your child.
Verbal instructions makes it sound nice… I would be unpleasant, and probably yelling at them for not listening!
Of course! Turns out, though, while you might be screaming and angry, you are still rewarding your child with the attention they were looking for, and may increase the future probability of this scenario occurring again — even if they seem to shape up after your pep talk.
So if a parent should try not to yell at them right then, what are they supposed to do?
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a warning is definitely needed. I would suggest only issuing a warning if the behavior is significant enough that a behavior change is critical, like it may cause injury, safety issue, etc. If a warning is needed, keep it short. For example, for a 4-year-old who is kicking, maybe say: “No kicking, or time-out.” We are really trying to avoid repetitive threats and nagging, which often leads to unpleasant interactions.
2. Follow Through is Key!
Let’s say a parent does provide a verbal warning but their kid keeps acting out?
If a warning is necessary, make sure you are willing and able to follow through with the consequence before you say it. Consider yourself “locked in” once the words are spoken. If you say, “No kicking, or time-out” and they kick and time-out is not enforced, those words hold little meaning when you say them again tomorrow.
This also holds true for other daily instructions. When we ask a child to do something, it is important that we ensure follow-through so they understand that they must follow directions. This means that if the child doesn’t respond or correctly complete the task, we need to ask them again and guide them if necessary.
Sometimes you might be busy in that moment or you think it’s not that big of a deal if they comply in that particular case. However, through collective experiences, the child will learn that they can ignore your requests if you don’t follow through — and they may then ignore you when you make other more important requests.
3. Praising and other helpful strategies
So parents HAVE to talk to their children! Ideally, when should they be using verbal commands with them?
It’s shown that verbal commands are more likely to begin a behavior than stop it in its tracks. Thus, you should use them every day to reinforce behaviors they are doing right or to teach them a new skill. One strategy to use is the 5 to 1 ratio: you should be providing at least five positive praises or interactions for behaviors you see your child exhibiting for every one negative interaction. They will soon learn that they will get attention by doing those great things rather than by misbehaving.
This is no easy feat! When starting with parents, many times our staff needs to prompt them to follow the 5:1 ratio rule. Make a conscious effort to keep track one day and see how you do.
We often use the phrase “catch them being good.” Think about behaviors that they typically do well that we may not praise often. Make your praise specific and meaningful to the child — the more specific the praise, the more effective it will be in driving future appropriate behavior. Also, keep in mind, what is meaningful to your 3-year-old girl, may not fly with your 9-year-old boy.
Overall, increasing your positive interactions and attention is often recommended as your first line of action before using any other consequence-based strategies.
