I awoke to the phone ringing in the middle of the night. My husband answered and I could tell by his reaction that a fellow service member had died. I cried and prayed as he got out of bed and went downstairs to continue the conversation. Days later, I attended the funeral service. I sent flowers. I wrote a sympathy card. I wanted to do more. But what more could I do? I did what I thought was needed and good to support the survivor’s family.
Now the shoe is on the other foot. I’m the recipient of the whispered voices of good folks asking one another what they could do to help. Not anybody’s fault. How can one be expected to know what a survivor family needs in a time of extreme trauma and grief? For example, how could one know what I really need is for a male father-figure to come over after work and jump on the trampoline with my boys as their daddy had done with them many times before he unexpectedly died? Or for somebody to take me for a walk in nature and simply listen? Or for somebody to hold my hand and help me navigate the hundreds of organizations and resources for military family survivors. While so many in the military take care of so much, there are still so many more needs after the loss of a loved one.
On Sept. 25, we honor Gold Star families—mothers, fathers, spouses, children, sisters and brothers—during Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day. This is a great opportunity for the caring, resourceful, and powerful military spouse community to reach out to Gold Star families you may know. It’s a chance to take the hand of a family member and walk with her/him for a moment. It takes a brave and special person to do this. And I was so blessed to walk for a while with a few amazing women of courage and grace as they helped me back onto my feet. So as a way to acknowledge this Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day, here are a few ideas you can tailor to fit both what you might be able to offer a family and to fulfill what the family might need.
- Take a family member for a walk in nature. Then, do it again a week later. We all know the health benefits of exercise. Combining that with some exposure to nature and sunlight can do wonders for a grieving soul.
- Drop off a coffee from the local coffee shop at the front door. Then text the family member it is there waiting. You need not be present for every act of kindness.
- Accompany a spouse, parent, or sibling to a home improvement store, buy a couple plants and some soil, and plant them in their yard together in honor of their family member.
- Ask if you can take some camouflage uniforms from the family to make teddies for children or quilts for the parents, spouse, or siblings. There are talented folks out there who have experience making these items from the uniforms into forever keepsakes.
- Invite families to a summertime base-promoted event such as a fire station burger burn, golf tournament, or a deployed/community family dinner. We’re considered members of the military family, yet sometimes feel we get overlooked.
- Invite families over for a bowling game on base. See if the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), through their TAPS Togethers Program, can support it.
- Put flowers on the family member’s grave at the local Veterans’ Cemetery. Take a picture and text it to the family. This can be especially meaningful for the families who live far from the cemetery.
- If you worked with the family member, collect a few office photos and make a small memory book complete with lovely hand-written stories from the office. These are memories the family will cherish, and a side of the family member they likely did not experience firsthand.
From Surviving to Thriving
Two years after the death of my husband, life today is uncomfortable and, at times, painful. And my heart still aches. Times ebb and flow with anxiety and nervousness. But there are also small glimpses of hope, a future, happiness, and faith. This is where I’m at now. I’m falling forward, and striving to live a joyful and purposeful life. Thank you to the many people in our military community who have been there for us. Your actions have left indelibly positive impacts on our lives.
Ideas excerpted from 101 Ways to Support a Fallen Hero Family.
