Dear Mindy, My Marriage Might Be Over

Dear Mindy, My husband I are currently living apart while he is in the Navy. We recently just went through a separation, which is why we are not together right now, but we have decided to stay married and work on things. I am in California while he is in Washington, he leaves on deployment in a month and so I've decided to stay here with family until he comes back. The only thing I am worried about is, I'm not sure he wants me to move back to Washington once he is back from deployment. He says "I have my things going for me down here (school & work)" I am only 20 by the way. Lately I've been contemplating on what I need to do for the both of us. Should I postpone school and move with him for the next two years until he is out of the Navy and we can move back to Cali together? Or should I continue school and live apart from him for the next two years? I would do anything to keep us strong. Please help me with some advice. Sincerely, Which Should I Sacrifice Dear Sacrifice, Thank you for taking a moment to reach out to me. Your dilemma is a tough one, since I do not have the knowledge of what lead to the separation, but I will do my best to help. I had to consult a few of my friends who are counselors to help me with this, so here it goes. Every relationship has it hurdles, and being separated with your lives just adds to the difficulty. When my husband first asked me out, he did not say “Will you go out with me,” instead he asked “Will you have a commitment with me?” This phrase held so many meanings, but it was something that really made me think about my future with or without him. I had to ask myself, am I ready to leave my parents? Am I ready to leave everything I have ever known? Am I ready to be someone’s spouse? Am I ready to put his career first? Do I really want to be a Military Spouse? I was just barely 19 when all this went down. We got married 10 months later. Our first year was EXTREMELY difficult. Please take a moment to read New Military Spouse to see my first freak out. Since then I have had more questions that I have had to ask myself to help me stay married. Your husband is also going to have to do some soul searching of his own. He needs to take a moment to process how he feels and what he wants to do. Then you will both need to communicate. You both need a chance to express your feelings to each other, and try to do so without interrupting or start yelling. It may seem like it is hard and yes I do slip myself and start screaming at him. Once you have both heard from each other, you have to take an opportunity to discuss a few more questions. Do we want to work this out? Do we want to be living together or apart? I cannot stress enough the importance of communication. It is the only way really to be close to someone you love. If you feel you both want to work it out, then the next step would be to ask for help outside of your marriage. Marriage Counseling or seeing a Chaplain is extremely beneficial to finding the roots of problems in a safe environment. Have an open mind. When going into a conversation, you need to prepare yourself to hear things you may not want to. Be open to what he has to say and think of ways to solve them together. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we still go through rough patches. We have fought over money, the kids, sex, chores, work and so much more. We have told each other hateful words and have even gone to bed angry. Once we have had time to fume and get over ourselves, we come back together and discuss what we can do to make things better. In the end, the only real question I can ask myself is, "It it worth it?" To me, it is very worth it. Every fight has just made our bond stronger. When we fight, I ask myself, "Can we fix this?" And as Bob The Builder says,“YES WE CAN.” You have to choose not only what is best for your relationship, but also what is best for you and him as individuals. Do you think your relationship will be strong enough to cover the distance? Do you both have the fight in you? I wish I had all the answers to help you have the perfect marriage, there are no two the same. Each one needs certain things to keep it going and you both need a chance to figure out what is best for you together and apart. I wish you all the best in this decision. You can find me on facebook at Dear Mindy and message me on your progress! Connect with us on Facebook!

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