Confession: My Husband Has a Porn Addiction

Disclaimer: This content is intended for audiences over the age of 18. Editor's Note: All of the pieces in this series are written by anonymous writers. This allows them to talk about subjects that are sometimes tough to discuss. Please keep in mind how difficult it was for this writer to share these thoughts when commenting. He stared at me. My heart drummed heavily inside my chest. I twitched my fingers. I couldn't meet the eyes boring into mine. What was going on in his brain? What words were on the cusp of his tongue? I wanted to scream. Hit him. Hurt him. The painful silence told me what I needed to know. "Yes." My world crashed into numb realization. I heard nothing but the reverberating affirmation in my ears. "Yes. I cheated on you." * * * Every year in my garden, a beautiful white trumpet flower appears. The Wild Morning Glory seems innocent enough, a favorite of my children, picked and added into a mother's dream bouquet of dandelions and crabgrass. Behind the flower's childlike charm, however, a deep secret hides: This sneaky, dangerous vine strangles the life out of competing flowers and weeds. If left alone to fester, a Wild Morning Glory's roots can grow the length of a house, remaining deep and dormant in the ground, safe from futile attempts to eliminate the entirety of the weed. Pulling only the vine fixes nothing and, instead, causes a Medusa-like growth rate for new vines. Furthermore, at the first sign of warmth, these roots spring into action: While people are enjoying the tulips and daffodils of spring, the Wild Morning Glory creeps and grows into an invasive web of vines. By the time these charming flowers blossom on the rapidly entangling plant, it's nearly too late. The strangling vines responsible for the seemingly innocuous flowers trap and choke the life out of other flowers, vegetable plants, and fruit bushes. The beauty of the little white flowers masks the deadliness of these snaring, deeply rooted vines. After learning of my husband's affair, questions spewed out for weeks. The whys, hows, and how-could-yous dominated every conversation. But through my hurt, my grief, and my pain, I saw it. The reason for my husband's rapid moral deterioration. It began as a seed. A curious, demanding seed that, when planted, festered and grew and entwined its way into our lives. It squeezed the life and passion out of our marriage. It had wrapped us with tight vines and had planted its deep, addictive roots into our home. It poisoned him. It poisoned us. It was pornography. Pornography is the explicit display of sex designed to entice, arouse, and stimulate erotic thoughts. And it is everywhere. It seems harmless enough. It's in the media, in our favorite shows (House of Cards, anyone?), on the internet, in our books, in our language, on our phones. It's enticing, erotic, curiosity-driven, riveting, designed to stimulate our brains and develop fantasy worlds outside of our own reality. And it's mislabeled as art. Now, let me be clear: the human body is a fascinating, intriguing, beautiful creation designed for, among other things, attraction and physical stimulation. Sexual intimacy and its devices are part of a human's design. It is GOOD. It is REAL. It is NATURAL. But. Spiraling from what is beautiful and natural to what is poisonous and destructive, such as the act of viewing pornography, can turn dangerous habits into portentous addictions and ruinous behavior that destroys marriages and breaks up families. And that is not okay. His discovery of pornography began in high school. A vacant computer in early hours of the morning provided him the access he needed to find an escape from the pressures of adolescence. A few sporadic hours provided him the stimuli he needed for self-gratification, but slowly, steadily, the frequency grew. He planted the seed. Deeply entrenched, the roots took hold and waited for moments of vulnerability and recklessness. As with other addictions like alcoholism and drug abuse, a person addicted to pornography may not understand that his/her behavior affects others. My husband felt it affected only himself. To him, it was harmless. It hadn't touched the other realms of his life. Until the vines grew and his secret followed him to college and, eventually, into his marriage. By this time, he looked at pornography so frequently and heavily that it became a part of him. He needed it. He depended on it. He planned how to find it on the computer when I was at work or school. Planned what to watch when I went out of town. What magazines had the maximum exposure? Where could he find which websites had the most erotic images? How could he sneak it so that I wouldn't find out? Contrary to popular thought, a heavy addiction to pornography is not about one's personal sex life. It's not about "getting some." It's about escaping. Running from stress, issues at work, family problems, anger. It was my husband's doorway into a world where the sucky parts of reality DIDN'T EXIST. He found fantasies that took him away from what he saw as his failures. He ran from his world falling down around him. He ran from his consequences to poor choices. He ran. And ran. And ran. Until the need and the pull to view more and to view harder pornography overwhelmed him. It desensitized him. He became numb to what he was viewing. HE COULDN'T GET ENOUGH. It affected only him, after all. This was HIS life, HIS secret, HIS vice. He couldn't see past the beautiful blooms to the strangling vines that were ensnaring him. Trapping him. He wanted more. The next level. And so he had an affair. And what he thought affected only him broke the hearts of those who loved him most. See, viewing pornography is not a lonesome activity. It's not a solo ride. The arguments remain: Boys will be boys. It's natural. It's a part of stress relief. It's normal. I get it. I'VE HEARD IT. But guess what? I've also LIVED it. Those excuses are why the pornography industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. Clearly, it's got some influence, some hold over the men and women who view it. Can you guess who is at the other end of that influence? Families. Spouses. Children. You. Me. Who is hurt? EVERYONE. Pornography addiction is vicious. This abuse shreds self-worth. Enhances the use of other addictive stimulants such as alcohol and drugs. Amplifies depression and shame. Ups the risk of suicide. Throws addicts into a black hole of despair. It rips families apart. Rips LIVES apart. And viewing pornography is supposed to be NORMAL? He had betrayed me. His family. And not just with the "other" woman. With ALL the women. The women whose names he didn't know. Whose faces and breasts and beautiful bodies and lives were NOT MINE. I loved him, but he loved them. All because he thought this was a solitary vice. "But wait," we pleaded. "The vines are strangling us, too." Yet, healing is a remarkable process. It's a journey. It takes hard, dedicated work to dig deep enough to remove all of the roots, to become free of the vines, to see past the innocuous flowers that hide the truth. Be patient. It takes time to forgive. But through residential treatment facilities and addiction recovery programs, through letting others know that pornography addiction IS a rampant problem, and through reestablishing trust and love, healing CAN come. And then WE thrive. SIGN UP HERE to be the first in line for Engaging stuff like this! If you or a loved one suffers from a sexual addiction, you do not have to deal with it alone. Check out this website for support information: www.sanon.org Photo Credit: Flickr Chelo Kristopher Connect with us on Facebook!

Confession: My Husband Has a Porn Addiction

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