The simple answer is that we need to support each other, spouse to spouse. We know better than anyone what each other goes through. What makes this not-so-simple is just like in regular circles, it can be hard to gauge who you can trust with your feelings. Many of us are thousands of miles away from our families, and so our support lies in our local community in times of strife. If you’re having difficulty, please reach out – you’d be surprised who responds.
Should we talk to our spouses about how we are feeling and/or the difficulties we are experiencing? Absolutely. Just like any other discussion, it is essential for couples to communicate what they are feeling with each other.
I have learned to air our feelings out first and come up with solutions together instead of starting out a conversation with complaining. This creates a teamwork dynamic so we can roll with the punches together. For example, if a sudden deployment or TDY derails our vacation plans, of course we feel disappointed. But we find the light in figuring out another time to go – perhaps during his R&R when he gets back.
When I can’t talk to my husband right away (if he’s deployed, TDY, or working long hours I have a journal I use. It is easier for me to pull myself together when I am able to air out my frustrations first. When I can’t talk about it, I write about it. After putting my thoughts on paper, I feel better and am able to move forward. Airing out my thoughts in therapy also helps,I’m always advocating for spouses and families to seek out a good therapist!
I know my husband has a job to do, and I recognize that his job is important. I am also allowed my feelings. I can feel sad that he’s leaving, I can feel disappointed when the military takes precedence over a much-needed family vacation, or even overwhelmed when everyone expects me to “handle it all” because, after all, I’m the spouse and I’m expected to be the one who holds down the fort at home.
Do I go screaming and crying about it to his leadership? Absolutely not, and I DO NOT recommend that you do so either.
But I do hope you find ways to navigate your feelings, and know you are not alone. Your feelings do matter, and you deserve to be heard, especially by those of us who get it. You don’t have to suck it up, maybe we can let it be.
