As I perpetually looked over my shoulder for the next dynamite explosion, I found that I was truly missing out. In guarding myself, I missed the opportunity to really know people, to create relationships that were meaningful. I decided that enough was enough and that my unwillingness to forgive was only hindering me.
Almost two years after the “wire was tripped,” the dust settled. The smoke receded and the damage began to be blown away in the wind. I learned how to move forward. If you are reading this, and you are still stick in the muck of mistrust and open wounds, I want to encourage you. You don’t have to stay here. There is hope and healthy relationships can be built. But first, there is “treatment” for Friendship PTSD. Here is my recommended “treatment plan” for this particular type of hurt.
1. Forgive her
Forgiveness is not condoning bad behavior or diminishing the pain a person causes. Forgiveness allows you to move on from the pain by releasing your bitterness and replacing it with compassion. Also, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You are not required to enter back in to relationship that is unhealthy or causes continuous strife.
2. Reflect on what you’ve learned.
What really happened? What were your shortcomings and mistakes? How would you have handled things differently? In my own broken friendships, I was hardly innocent of any wrongdoing. I was pushy, blunt, and apathetic. I also failed to respect boundaries. None one is perfect, but we can strive to do better.
3. Focus on creating healthy and positive relationships.
Seek out your own boundaries and kindly enforce them. Value yourself enough to communicate where those boundary lines are upfront in order set yourself up for successful friendships.
4. Enjoy the ride, knowing that not all friendships work out.
We have such an unrealistic expectation of friendship. We feel like they should all go well and that we should always get along. Free yourself from this expectation and enjoy the friendships that last for a season along with the ones that last longer. Share and laugh without fear, for who knows what tomorrow will bring.
If I think about it too long, the pain still has a funny way of creeping up on me. But I know now that those feelings are just grief foaming to the surface. I grieve the friendship that could have been, and sometimes, I still miss the way things were.
My friend and I were never able to rebuild what we had before. We did not stay in touch and couldn’t find a way to reconciliation. And, that’s okay. We can both still appreciate each other’s efforts and attempts from that season. I do not begrudge her or wish her ill. Really, she taught me a lot about my own hardships in connecting and helped me to come to place where I could begin working on being a better friend myself. In the end, I grew and so can you.
