You’ve heard the stories. You know, the stories from all of the military spouses that came before you? I’ve heard them from all the ‘older’ ladies too. However, I’ve been gently reminded (on more than one occasion) that they prefer to be called ‘seasoned’ spouses, and I would agree that they are, in fact, seasoned with many military experiences. They are the ones that can recount every aspect of military life, and make you feel like you have been through it with them, making you cry and laugh at the same time. Their advice has been invaluable to me. Even though I do not have as many years of experience, I like to consider myself ‘lightly salted’ because I too have had my share of military moments that have turned from tears to bursts of giggles. I don’t claim to have all the answers, or to have figured everything out yet, but perhaps my experiences can now start to help other spouses who still don’t have very much seasoning at all.
I feel incredibly lucky to have a beautiful home, a beautiful family, and what I consider to be a beautiful life. (Hey, I get to make delicious food, hang out with good company, and go to all the free Zumba classes I want!) There is no shortage of appreciation for what my husband, his friends, and the rest of the armed forces do for my family and this country.
Many have pegged my generation as “entitled”, and while that very well may be true, I look at it a bit differently. I believe that my generation has incredible expectations. For everything. We expect the most out of our careers, our schooling, our relationships, our communities, our government, and the world we live in. We were some how forged to believe that there was a level set for everything and that we, and all we believe, must exceed those expectations. These expectations are typically idealistic, and that is where we get the label “entitled”. We feel that if we pour the work into school, receive good grades, and graduate with a degree that a job in our field should be readily available and offer a competitive salary. While many of us know that this is not the reality, we still think that it may be different for us… just this once.
That’s the important part to understand. We (at least a good portion of us) understand that our expectations aren’t necessarily realistic. I hope as this generation grows, that all of our wishful thinking will enable us to improve the world. It’s easy to look back and see the benefits of the seeds the Greatest Generation planted because they have had time to grow. In time, the benefits of the other generations will also bloom. We will see that while the baby boomers may have been rebellious and experimental, those traits were inherently important for the time. The same goes for this generation. This may be my idealistic nature speaking… but I have a feeling that this generation is exactly what it is supposed to be.
We’re not perfect as a group. We’re not even anywhere close to being perfect as individuals. But it is my belief that everyone is exactly where you are supposed to be at every moment in your life.
I warned you… idealism.
Now, what happens when a young, idealistic spouse falls in love with someone in the military? What happens when she has to put aside some of those expectations? What happens to her heart when she realizes that things are a little less than ideal in the military lifestyle? In my case what happened was that I had to figure out how to make my heart big enough to love a man that loves serving his country. And throughout the process I cried a lot of tears. Somewhere along the line some of those tears turned into beautiful laughter… and many life lessons.
Over the past four years, the first time I cried was the night he left for basic training. I remember lying in my bed in my first apartment, taking note of all the things I had read about recruit training. I imagined him standing in the dark, a tight-lipped, massive man with veins bulging from his temple, yelling in his face. I imagined him with a baldhead in a sea of more baldheads… and I imagined his heart. I could only guess how scared he must have been. I could only guess how much he missed his family and me. I could only hope that he was still going to be the same man I fell in love with when he returned home. While taking all of these mental notes, I sobbed into my mascara-covered pillow. My heart felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces. Still, in my few years of experience, I haven’t had a cry quite this deep. I remember flailing a little bit, like flopping my arms around, and I remember my arm hitting something soft and a little bit lumpy. I brought it close to me and lifted my head from my damp pillow to see that it was the bear he had made for me a couple of weeks before he left.
If you have ever built your own bear, you know that there are some very important steps. You have to pick the right animal, and we chose the bear. You have to pick out the right outfit, and we chose the military dress uniform. And while you’re stuffing your animal, you have to give it a heart; we picked the classic satiny red one. And lastly, but most importantly, you have to kiss the heart before they place it in the bear. While I kind of smirked as the bear-building specialist instructed me to do this, my husband (then boyfriend) grabbed it out of my hands and kissed it, then placed it inside of the shaggy brown bear.
As I peeled the pillowcase from my face, I sat up straight in bed and held the bear in my hands. For the first time since we made him, I remembered the kiss. More tears ran down my face, but this time they were silent and I could feel a goofy smile coming on. I started laughing, little tears falling onto my lips that were now turned upward in a goofy grin. I laughed, and I laughed… and then I laughed some more.
I woke up the next morning with a new understanding of what it meant for him to be gone. I knew that if I let it be, this could be one of the best times of our lives… a period of growth for him and even for me. After that cry, the one that left me laughing, I knew that he was someone very special to me, and I had a gut feeling that he would one day be my husband.
I’ll admit it sounds strange that all of that could come from one cry and one laugh… over a stuffed bear. During the four years following that night in my little apartment, I’ve had other cries and laughs; all of them have come with a lesson profound for the moment.
I cried and laughed at the last minute deployment that cancelled our wedding. (Is this some sort of military rite of passage, or what?)
I cried and laughed when I realized my career aspirations after college were NOT going to be what I expected after moving to my new military community.
I cried and laughed all throughout our first deployment.
I cried and laughed with friends as we learned (and are still very much learning) how to thrive in the military lifestyle.
I cried and laughed while realizing just how much of a heart I have for military families.
I cried and laughed over the losses of my fellow military spouses when they moved to their next duty station.
These moments, the ones mixed together with tears and laughter, have all been personally profound. By experiencing them and accepting them, I have discovered my weaknesses and pinpointed my idealistic expectations. Somehow, in each one of these moments, I’ve found the satiny, red heart of the matter.
Many of the men and women who are married to a member of the U.S. Military today are my age. In fact, the majority of military spouses come from the same “idealistic” generation. I’m going to venture to say that even though many of us are young, we’ve carried a load heavier than a fair portion of our civilian counterparts. That means you too, have had these moments, no matter how lightly salted you may be. And while it’s easy to shut them down, to turn the other cheek, to withdraw from the hurt and the frustration, I encourage you to keep looking, keep reaching, because I promise you, you can find the heart of it through all of the tears. And hopefully, you will experience some laughter as well.
Kristine is 24 years old and currently lives in North Carolina where her husband is stationed. She has a bachelors degree in Fine Arts and is pursuing her Masters Degree in Social Work. A dedicated volunteer, she enjoys helping spouses in her husbands unit, on base, and in her local community. She is absolutely head-over-heels in love with her golden retriever, Juniper.
