With wedding bells ringing and rose-colored glasses firmly on, it can feel strange to imagine the road ahead being more winding than you expected. Here are a few things other military spouses and I wished we knew before we married into the military.
1: You’ll both change, so grow together intentionally.
My grandma told us this before we got married twelve years ago, and it’s one piece of advice that has stood the test of time. We married while he was still a civilian, and we’ve changed quite a bit since we were 20 and in college. I’m grateful we’ve both allowed one another to explore new facets of ourselves without feeling guilty for changing.
Growing together also looks like relearning how to share space and life after a deployment or TDY. For Terrence, she was a single mom who was engaged and then lost her love to an IED in 2011:
“The thing I had trouble with in the deployments wasn’t so much him being away for 6-8 months, because I was used to doing it alone and being a single mom before him. The hard part was getting used to him being back, adjusting to both of us being parents, and having to change up my routine a bit and learn to compromise again. I never realized how hard that was at first.”
2: Resiliency is the name of the game.
I was terrified of being alone when we were first married, but when he went to BASIC for Air Force Training, I had no choice but to figure it out. I learned, like many other military spouses, that I was more resilient than I initially expected.
Aba, who is in a dual-military marriage, shares:
“I wish I would have known the amount of sacrifice that would be necessary to support the marriage. We have adapted together and overcome many obstacles, but it took sacrifice and a selfless mentality to make it through. There are always highs and lows in marriage. The lows hit even harder when there is a geographical separation or mission-first requirement. Patience, selflessness, and sacrifice are what brought us through.”
3: Resources outside of your marriage are vital.
Military life can be a mental and physical roller coaster, between medical appointments, moving, fast orders, deployments, and more. Taking advantage of a Key Spouse program, Family Readiness Center, FRG, or programs on base can help you and your family feel stable. You have to find the help you need, otherwise, the strain can wear you both down.
Being in a marriage is already an adventure. Being in a strong marriage that revolves around the military takes extra grace, diligence, and willingness to go uphill together hand in hand as you grow as a couple and as individuals.
