I was a military girlfriend during his first deployment. As that time (2003), no one was talking about PTSD. I was totally unprepared for the ways he had changed when he came home. I even broke up with him because I thought that his personality changes were permanent, and that he had become a mean, angry person. I didn’t realize that it was a temporary episode of PTS.
Now, most military spouses are briefed on PTSD, even for non-combat deployments. There are times when veterans DO suffer from PTSD, and in those cases they absolutely need counseling or medical help. But if it is just a temporary episode of PTS, like the ones I described, they will probably deny that it is serious and not want to talk to a counselor. In the moment, here are some things you can do to help your loved one through:
- Try to remove them from the triggering environment. Offer to stay with them and remain calm. But understand if they want to get away and be alone.
- Don’t use rational arguments until they have calmed down. Their brain is linking two unconnected experiences in a very real way, so it won’t help to explain that they aren’t really connected.
- Afterward, offer to listen, and gently offer encouragement or possible connections. It will help the veteran to connect the dots and see what and why they were triggered. (Loud noises, crowds, people in costumes or confined spaces are common triggers.) They may want to avoid that trigger for a while.
- If it is just PTS, not PTSD, the reaction will diminish and eventually go away. Just as the chaplain eventually became used to fireworks, and I can now enjoy the rustling of palm trees, your spouse will eventually be able to move on. They don’t need to be coddled or sheltered, just given some space and time to adjust.
If your spouse’s symptoms seem more severe than occasional episodes of PTS, then they may suffer from PTSD. There is a huge stigma in the military that admitting PTSD means that the service member is weak or broken. That is not true, and it doesn’t have to affect their career. Free, confidential counseling is available through Military One Source for service members or military spouses.
