Does this describe you?
Someone asks, “How have you been?”
Before responding, you suppress a dreadful feeling.
“Really busy,” you say.
And then, as if to reassure them – and yourself – you add with a smile: “But, good-busy.”
You continue, describing the projects you’ve been engaged in, the initiatives you’ve led, the fires you’ve put out, the volunteer work you’ve done, the kids you’ve cared for, the spouse you’ve supported, the house you’ve managed, the dreams you’ve pursued… the list goes on.
We military spouses have a way of staying busy in a lot of good things as we lean into this life.
But sometimes, when the weight of all of it gets heavy, we might question if we’ve taken on too much. No, you haven’t, we’ll tell ourselves. You’re doing good things. You’re good-busy.
Being “good-busy” means our intentions rationalize or negate any stress, overwhelm or exhaustion we feel. The thing is, even with the best of intentions, if our balance is tipped, being “good-busy” can cause more harm than good.
So how do we make sure our balance stays level?
Recognize Involuntary Signals
Your body might be sending you physical warning signs every time someone asks you how you’re doing. If you’re about to reassure a friend (and yourself), “I’m really busy, but good-busy,” pay attention to your body’s physical reactions.
- Does your stomach turn?
- Do you take a heavy sigh before answering and explaining?
- Do you feel a surge of negative energy charge through your veins?
- Does your face feel hot?
- Do you close your eyes at the thought, before opening to respond?
This isn’t about analyzing the science behind these reactions; it’s about paying attention to why you’re having them. In my own experience, I’ve realized that I have these responses when my plate has gotten so full that the mere thought of it makes me overwhelmed. Like many, I often try to ignore overwhelm in favor of more positive ideals, those things I think I “should” focus on. The thing is, it doesn’t make the overwhelm disappear.
As military spouses, we’re embedded in a culture of positive values and high moral standards. Plus, we’re trained to keep pushing when life gets tough. It’s practically in our blood to care for others and dismiss discomfort, and we often don’t think on small scales.
But eventually, like all humans, we can reach a point when the balance is about to tip.
The Negative Effects of Being “Good-Busy”
There’s no question that we military spouses start loading up our plate with the best of intentions. Activities, initiatives, volunteer work and more seem like wonderful things to do, and we sincerely want to be involved. Many of us are naturally born leaders, so when we see a need, we coordinate a way to support it.
And even though we’re performing valuable work, the number of responsibilities we load onto our plate can tip the balance, making us exhausted. If we’re not honest with ourselves and others, this “good-busy” can get bad. Our best intentions can become counterproductive. The potential stress and exhaustion could cause:
- Burn-out: you’ll feel out-of-steam, like you don’t have any more to give
- Resentfulness: once meaningful work could be annoying or frustrating
- Irritability: your relationships with spouses, children and friends could suffer
- Constant Pressure: you’ll have little or no time to simply sit, relax and enjoy life
How to Rebalance
Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with being busy. Busy-ness can be a great thing! It helps you feel purposeful, pass the time and strengthen your skills.
So how do you maintain a well drawn line between staying actually “good-busy” and, well, too busy?
Like many things, it all comes down to prioritization. Try these three simple steps to reset your balance:
- Identify your values: Before you think of milestones, benchmarks or goals, think of your values. Values are your guiding principles, your life’s “code.” When you leave an assignment, what mark do you hope you’ve left? Or, think more big-picture: when you die, what do you hope your epitaph will read? Use these answers to guide the rest of your priorities.
- Set realistic goals: With your values clearly identified, list both short-term and long-term goals that are important to you. Leadership expert Sunny Kim Kindig shares an excellent 3-pronged strategy for goal-setting in the October issue of Military Spouse Magazine. Employing this strategy will help you identify the goals that matter most to you and devise an action plan to lead yourself across the finish line.
- Eliminate extraneous activity: Make a list of all the activities you do each week and each month. Compare these with your goals and values. Cross out the activities that don’t clearly align, and commit only to those that do align. If you have trouble, ask yourself: What did I say “yes” to out of obligation? What am I currently doing that I don’t enjoy? What exhausts me instead of energizes me? These answers will help you identify activities to eliminate.
Commit to “You” this Holiday Season
One of the busiest times of year is approaching: the holiday season. This is the time of year when you will be asked to volunteer, donate, attend, bake, cut, craft, scrape, you name it! This is often the time of year that leaves everyone feeling completely wiped out.
But, what better time of year is there then now, to focus your activities on the things that truly matter to you? What better time of year is there than now, to think honestly about exactly what busy-ness brings your life joy and meaning?
What better times of year is there then now, to commit fully to just those activities?
To just those people?
To just yourself?
Take the opportunity to rebalance, so that when someone asks how you’re doing, there’s no need to reassure them that your busy-ness is for good; you’ll already know and feel in your heart that it is.
