3 Ways You Can Be a Better MilSpouse

In serious relationships and marriages, we are right there with our spouses when they face difficult times. Whether you simply have a bad day or experience a traumatic event, like a death or illness in the family, how you respond can have lasting effects. Typically, we choose one of two approaches to confronting the emotional hardships of our partners: empathy or sympathy. What’s the difference? Sympathy is feeling pity or sorrow for what someone else is going through, while empathy is having the ability to understand someone’s feelings and share those emotions with them. Sympathy is much easier than empathy. We can express sympathy without having to share any painful emotions, and we can reassure ourselves it’s not that bad by looking for the silver lining. On the other hand, empathy requires us to be in touch with our own emotions and to feel the pain of our partner’s afflictions. It’s the difference between saying, “I’m so sorry you lost your grandmom, but at least your parents are still alive,” and “It must be really hard to have lost your grandmom. How can I help?” In military relationships, practicing empathy can be especially helpful, as our spouses face a lot of added stress as service members. Here are a few ways you can use empathy to ensure your spouse is feeling supported: 1. Embrace the art of listening Military spouses face their own types of challenges. We worry about things like our next duty stations , whether our partners will go on deployments, and how we will hold down steady jobs with so many relocations. These are all valid concerns, but they can be very different worries than the ones our partners are facing. When I asked my husband what his biggest fears are about his first deployment, he said being a newbie, being away for a very long time, and not knowing anyone else. These are ENTIRELY different than my own concerns, like that he will get inured or sick or that I’ll be lonely without him. When our spouses come to us with these fears or others, we can practice empathy by putting aside our own worries and being fully engaged listeners. That means NOT thinking about what we are going to say next, but instead slowing down and really listening to the words our partners are saying. It can be difficult not to compare or indulge in our personal concerns, but it’s necessary if we want to validate the importance of what our spouses are trying to communicate with us. While we won’t ever know exactly what they are going through, we can certainly feel for them and make the effort to understand their emotions. 2. Give them time My husband is not the most outwardly emotional person. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out exactly what’s bothering him, and that definitely took some getting used to considering my ‘heart on my sleeve’ nature. But being empathetic means being able to let our partners come around on their own time without pushing them or prodding them to give us more information. The other day my husband had an off day. (I could tell by the tone of his voice and his body language.) I kept asking him what was bugging him and how I could cheer him up, and eventually he said to me, “I just need some time.” This made me realize that I wasn’t being empathetic by questioning him; I was being selfish . I wanted him to be happy so I could be, too. Afterwards, I gave him the space he needed, and eventually he felt comfortable coming to me on his own. So, next time you get the urge to say, “Just tell me what happened already!” instead try, “It seems like something’s really bothering you. I’m here for you when you want to talk.” Doing so can actually encourage your spouse to reach out for support. 3. Empower your partner Being a part of the military comes with the risk of confronting some highly traumatic events, like facing combat, losing friends in war, or being the victim of a sexual assault. These distressing circumstances can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicide attempts, depression, and other physical and mental health concerns. As spouses, when we see our partners suffering this way, we want to fix the problem and make it go away. However, empathy requires us to think differently when helping our partners heal from trauma. Instead of trying to find a solution, we can use our empathy by empowering our partners to be in control of their own recovery. Rather than being forceful by demanding our spouses seek therapy or talk more about what happened, we can discuss options with them and let them know that we are unconditionally there for them, regardless of how they decide to cope. Empathy does not require that we agree with someone’s actions or feelings; it requires that we acknowledge and understand that everyone reacts to trauma or grief differently. While these are great skills to have, using empathy can be tiring especially when we let our loved ones’ emotions start to weigh down on us. This is why it’s essential that we also take care of ourselves by using the same skills we use with our spouses with ourselves, like listening to our own thoughts and needs, refraining from being overly critical of our decisions, and allowing ourselves space and time to heal from trying times. Using empathy isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it when it leads to strong relationships with our spouses, a better understanding of ourselves, and the ability not only to see but also feel what the people in our life are going through. Read Next: The Secrets to Success Connect With Us

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