The truth is, most people don’t want to hear about it. It is almost taboo, especially when I mention the “m” word. I am not talking about mensies… I mean miscarriage. I have had at least one that I know of and it is difficult to type it now. “Peanut” was born in during a PCS. (We called it Peanut since at six to seven weeks the embryo is about the size of a peanut.) I know stress must have had a part in the cause but it doesn’t hurt any less. It was painful physically, mentally, and emotionally. I bled so much. I ached for weeks after and I was so very angry. I was angry at the military for the move. I was angry at myself for not taking better care of my body and mind. I was angry at my husband for being gone all the time. I was angry at all the pregnant women and new moms in my circle of friends. I was angry all the time. I yelled more than I should have. I ate more than I should have. I cried more than I think I ever have in my life.
After the miscarriage I was told that I was mistaken and just did not know when my period started. I believe my response was, “Are you effing kidding me?” (Please add in the correct curse word for effect) In the five plus years we have tried to get pregnant I know what is normal and I know what is not. I missed my period. I took a pregnancy test. I took three different brands in fact. They all read positive. Peanut was real.
Infertility is something that only affects men, right? That’s what Tricare would have us believe. There are very few drug treatments covered under Tricare, even Prime, which is supposedly the best… unless I have a penis. NO infertility treatments are covered under Tricare!? We don’t have the means to afford IVF, GIFT or artificial insemination. My hubby is enlisted and he pays child support, plus airfare for the kids to visit our ever-changing home station, plus the additional cost of moves (like losing my jobs) and multiple deployments.
Speaking of deployments… he is gone all the time, more deployments than we can count so far. We have been lucky/blessed/given good karma in that he has never really been injured on a deployment. That is not to say he is injury free. He has had some knee issues from wearing heavy gear, torn ACL, a hernia on duty, broken shoulder from a motorcycle accident, etc. He likes to say he is part man part machine with the metal and plastics in his body. While he can laugh about it, there is also a great amount of nerve damage throughout his body. This means he has lost sensitivity in important areas or has painful sensitivity to touch. I cannot touch him gently. This makes sensuality difficult. Trying to get pregnant means we have to be “on schedule” which can take the fun out of intimacy. Not being able to caress him, to snuggle up next to him, to rub my hand along his body because of the pain it causes him… makes me not want to try. Plus there are the mental effects of deployment, especially to combat zones, and reintegration. There are times, especially when we are “on the clock” that he would rather play video games to be online with his ‘guys’ or he would rather deploy again. And he does.
The reality is, the chance of getting pregnant is, for lack of a better term, miraculous. Now that I am in my thirties I have a significantly reduced chance of getting pregnant, medically speaking. Not to be too technical, but the fact that one sperm timed it just right and made it all the way to the egg and then survived gestation, is pretty amazing. And now we need it to happen again.
The military is the reason I am not pregnant yet. We will keep trying. I will keep trying to get infertility documented in my medical records. For now I can keep hoping and stay healthy. Eventually he will be a civilian.
And maybe, just maybe then I can answer those uncomfortable questions without anger or sorrow… but as an expected mother. It is a day that both us look forward to.
For an update on this story, please click here.
