Where did I go? I was right here the last time I looked. As I raise my eyes and look up after 6 years as a military spouse, I look inside myself and my heart and I am so lost.
Who is this girl I’ve become? Where’s the fun loving, spontaneous, laughing and happy girl I fought just to get back at 27 that I began only to slowly lose again starting at 30?
I call it signing up to be in love and alone.
I am one of the most independent people I know; I don’t need anyone for anything and I can do it myself. It’s just a harsh way of saying I had a really tough upbringing and it’s just the way the world molded me. I had no say in the matter, I just had to keep going or fall apart. Sound familiar?
Some of you know that I met and married my husband in 7 months. While most of us get married really quickly, I was going to put it off for a year, but then I lost a pregnancy and my grandma in the same day and I questioned why I was waiting for life to start. No regrets, just run.
I am not sure if you can relate to this, but I do believe most of you can. We start running so fast that we don’t even realize between the work ups, the field, deployment, constant moving, trying to have a family and (for me) giving up my career and living in a one car, one income home, that this is normal. Never looking from the outside in only doing your service to this country and your service member.
You’re proud to do it for crying out loud and your damn proud to support them to keep us safe. Never a second thought about it. Your civilian friends don’t understand “how you do it” but to you it’s a no brainer.
Duh, I love him. What else? Go fall madly in love with someone else? He’s my forever.
Unfortunately, because I gave him everything, I had lost who I was as a person standing on her own 2 feet. I looked back at the 27 year old me and sadly missed her. Where was the laughter and fun I always promised myself I would never sacrifice? Where was my own social life?
Why was every night spent with my phone in my hand and next to the laptop “just in case.”
I don’t regret the time spent to be his support, but I do regret not making any time for myself. If you don’t maintain your self identity then what are you giving? I would say a version of yourself that doesn’t actually exist. Resentment builds and thing that would never have bothered now do, once you go down the rabbit hole and have to climb back out.
My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce and I admit I didn’t see it coming.
It’s not anyone’s fault; we just got lost. Our versions of ourselves continued to try and be in love with each other, but our actual selves stopped fighting. Neither one of us even realized where we dropped them off, but we truly do and did love each other.
None of it was a lie and it hurt more to hear from people, ”But we thought you guys were the perfect couple, the inspiration for us to fall in love like the one you had/have.”
We decided that we would do this amicably and I am really proud of us.
No bitter fights, no going for each other’s throats and trying to take anything from each other. It hurts my heart to go through this. I am no super woman, but I am thankful we treat each other with respect and dignity.
I am not bitter, just hurt. But if he didn’t listen to me and trust me to keep my promises and take this journey with me as I did him, I couldn’t write this to you today. I don’t know if this brings you any solace in what you may be going through, but I implore you to take a step back if you are getting to a breaking point, rub your eyes, and try to see objectively and not emotionally no matter how hard it is.
You can maybe address things faster than I did.
I was so far gone that it slipped out of my paws. I take the blame for that. I know we will be friends for the rest of our lives, and not many people can say that, but we know each other better than anyone else and we will protect each other for the rest of our lives.
Lastly, don’t sell yourself short, hang on to yourself, and surround yourself with people that will lift you up because they are the best angels to remind you of why they fell in love with you too. Keep your head up, because no bat can swing at you hard enough to break you; you will always get back up. Also, if you ever need anyone to talk to, you always have me.
