3. Have the consent conversation: Just like you need consent to buy a car, go into someone’s home, or borrow money from a friend, you need consent to have sex. And that consent needs to be voluntary, specific, and undoubtedly enthusiastic. Hearing, “What do you want to do next?” or “Does this feel good for you?” is sexy. What isn’t sexy is just going along with the motions, agreeing to do something out of guilt, or being pressured over and over to have sex until saying no doesn’t feel like an option.
You don’t owe your partner anything other than making sure you also ask them for their consent.Asking someone what they want to do doesn’t need to be awkward. Once I realized that no, it’s not okay for someone to assume I want to have sex, I saw how sensual having someone ask me first really is. It turns me on knowing my husband cares about my needs and that he is adamant that I’m feeling comfortable and sexually and emotionally fulfilled.
4. Advocate for others: Working at a rape crisis center, I read and talk a lot about sexual assault, but I also have a lot of conversations about sex. While one of these subjects has devastating consequences for its victims, and the other is a beautiful and central part of many peoples’ lives, both have become taboo—things we steer away from in conversations and refuse to speak to our children about and often avoid addressing all together.
Yet, if we examined what consensual, healthy, enjoyable sex looks and feels like, we could help prevent rape from happening, or at the very least, let survivors of sexual assault know that being forced or coerced into any sort of sexual activity is far from the norm and not their fault. If someone you love comes to you and says a stranger, or more commonly, a friend or partner has engaged in any type of sexual act with them without their explicit, enthusiastic permission, remind them that what happened is not okay, that it’s not their fault, and that it most certainly is not sex—it’s sexual assault.
When we espouse sex positive values, we have the power to help others and ourselves, and eventually, we can help create a culture where no one has to feel ashamed about not wanting sex, wanting it all the time, and everything in between. Now’s the time to go figure out what you really want and to let go of all the stuff people tell you should want. I promise, it’ll be a much better and long-lasting gift than a box of chocolates.
If you like this, read Reclaim Your Sexual Health.
