Military life teaches many lessons that don’t appear in any welcome packet. One of the most important is learning that you cannot carry every opportunity that comes your way.
As a military spouse who lost her spark along the way, you will often hear me talk about how some seasons are about reclaiming your sparkle.
This particular one is about reclaiming your sprinkles. Allow me to explain –
Years ago, another military spouse shared a piece of advice with me that I didn’t fully understand at the time. I was young, maybe 3 years into this military life, and I had left a career that filled my cup to marry a really cute guy in uniform. We were facing a deployment, and I was doing everything in my power to fill my calendar – to make myself useful and feel like I mattered. I guess I was hoping to find my community in a lonely time.
She shared her theory of “Pick-Your-Donuts”:
Imagine someone hands you a full box of donuts.
Every flavor looks incredible.
And naturally, you want them all.
But if you eat the entire box, you’ll end up sick, instead of satisfied.
So instead, you choose a few donuts that you truly want. You enjoy them fully, and you leave the rest for someone else.
The donuts are opportunities in life. You can eat the whole dozen and be sick to your stomach, or you can pick the ones you want most – savor those sprinkles – and share the rest with others, making room for them at the proverbial table.
At the time, it sounded like a charming metaphor. Hindsight, I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
Years later, when we were stationed in New York, and now a busy mom of 2 toddlers, ”Pick your donuts” became a survival strategy.
Like many military spouses, I had built a life that included volunteer roles, professional work, social commitments, play groups, co-ops, and community leadership. Each opportunity had appeared meaningful at the time I said yes.
But one morning, I struggled with the realization that I had quietly accumulated too many opportunities that claimed my time, and my bandwidth. They had become obligations. In desperate need of a break, I did something silly – I drew out my donuts. Literally.
I sat down and wrote out every obligation I had accepted.
Instead of twelve “donuts,” I discovered I was carrying more than two dozen.
That moment forced me to confront something uncomfortable: I had confused availability with responsibility.
Just because I could say yes didn’t mean I should.
Military communities are built on generosity, service, and participation. Service over self, it’s what we have always been taught. Those values are part of what makes them extraordinary.
But this also creates a quiet pressure to show up everywhere, volunteer for everything, and contribute in every possible way.
As the once celebrated “backbone of the military”, this resulted in a level of overcommitment that eventually led to exhaustion and burnout.
Learning to pick your donuts – how to choose intentionally – becomes a critical leadership skill.
Every PCS move creates a natural reset.
We pack up the house, leave behind familiar routines, and step into a new community where opportunities will inevitably appear again.
Each time that happens, I revisit the same question: Which donuts do I want to carry this time? Now I know that not every role needs to travel with us.
Sometimes handing off a responsibility creates space for another spouse to step forward and discover their own leadership. Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning the mission. Often it means strengthening the community by allowing new voices to emerge.
Over the years I’ve learned that satisfaction rarely comes from doing everything. It comes from choosing my donuts well.
Military life may not offer an instruction manual, but it does offer a recurring opportunity to refine who we are, how we contribute, and what we carry forward. And sometimes the most strategic decision we make is simply choosing our donuts carefully.
