4 Ways to Reintegrate Your Spouse Into Your Life After Homecoming

Homecoming. Often the most anticipated day in the military community. But once the pictures are taken, the signs are shown off and the service members are home, the excitement wears down a little and reality kicks in. You have been living on your own for somewhere between 3 and 24 months. You have a routine. Your kids have a routine. Now, there is this person throwing their personality and their needs into your tightly run ship and it’s not always an easy transition. For you OR your service member. So what can you do? Here's our advice- 1. COMMUNICATE I know, I know. This seems to be the answer for every problem people have with their spouse. But it’s a good one! You and your spouse NEED to sit down and talk about what is going on. Talk about what their needs are and what your needs are. Discuss how much responsibility they feel comfortable taking on again and help your spouse transition back into being a fully functioning part of the family. They are going to feel like an outsider for a while when they first get home. Watching you do everything isn’t their way of being lazy, it may just be how they learn your routine and how you like things done. It’s very hard to be gone from your family for months at a time and be the person in charge while deployed, then come home and realize someone else is running things so smoothly that it seems you don’t fit into the mix. Both parties need to talk about what it is going to take to return to the balance of responsibilities that were there prior to deployment. 2. GIVE SPACE…AND ENFORCE SPACE When I came home from deployment, I had a lot of trouble adjusting to being in a normal city. I got overwhelmed at Target buying new apartment supplies. I ran out of church after service before I had a chance to socialize with people I hadn’t seen in 9 months, because I felt like the crowd was pushing in on me. I wanted nothing more than to be left alone and try to figure out how to function again, yet I had friends that were insistent on spending time together and didn’t understand that when I said I wanted to organize the apartment, I meant alone and not with a running commentary from them. On the opposite side was my family. They wanted to spend all the time they could with me, but they understood my transition. My sister tackled me on the pier as soon as she found me walking off the ship. Her and my mother drove me home and let me leave a trail of uniform items from the door to the shower and then asked me if I needed a couple hours to myself before we went out to dinner. They asked me if I wanted to do things that weekend or if I wanted to be alone. They were willing to run interference when they saw me getting overwhelmed by people wanting to welcome me home in their way, NOT in a way that I needed. I know it’s hard to understand that your service member, the person you love most in this world, might not want you to be around every moment of every day when they return from deployment. But sometimes ALL they need is a little space. This goes back to the communication thing. Listen to them when they ask for some time alone. Notice when they are starting to get anxious around people and help them. And enforce the boundaries you two have set up with people outside of your immediate family. Lord knows it’s not easy to explain to a mother-in-law that yes, her son has just returned home from deployment, but no, you are not open to having company the first week he is here. In situations like this it’s important to be able to stand up and let people know that it’s your family and you all will make the plans that are best for you. 3. SEEK OUTSIDE HELP I’m a strong supporter of marriage counseling , even when your marriage is going well. I believe that having regular check-ups is good for a marriage. It gives both parties a chance to discuss what they may have been holding in and to make sure both people are still on the same page about the big things. If you’ve got a trusted counselor or pastor, setting up a few post-deployment sessions with them may be what you need to make sure the transition is a smooth one. Service members returning from deployment are changed people . It doesn’t matter what type of deployment it is, how long it is, or where the member was deployed to, they are going to come home different than they were when they left. Their life on deployment was SO different and things they may have seen or done will leave a lasting impact. Being able to talk to someone who’s whole job is to help people, will ensure that both of you understand that change isn’t always a bad thing and they can help you learn how to cope with the new normal that will come post-deployment. 4. FALL IN LOVE…AGAIN Despite all the bumps that may come with reintegrating after deployment, there is one really great part…getting to fall in love with your spouse ALL OVER AGAIN. This time can kick up a renewed honeymoon phase for you guys. Enjoy it! Post-deployment sex might not happen right away and that’s normal. Every brief you’ll attend prior to homecoming, they will tell you to take your time jumping right back into the intimacy part of your relationship. But for some people, the only thing you’ll be jumping is your spouse. Do what works for you on that front but remember to have fun! Enjoy the fact that you get to sneak kisses on the couch. Grab a handful of hiney when your wife walks past you in the hallway. Go on dates and pretend to be tourists in your own town. Remember what it was you loved about your spouse when you first started dating, because reintegration isn’t easy and there are going to be days you don’t even like the person taking up half the bed again. Hold onto the moments that make you laugh and make you want to put a “do not disturb” sign on the front door. Because being in love is what makes going through this whole vicious cycle of separation and reintegration worth it. Connect with us on Facebook!

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