5 Toxic Friendships Every Military Spouse Should Avoid

We are increasingly mobile individuals. Whether it's because of the American spirit, the advancement of technology, or expanding marketplaces, gone are the days when the average individual remains in one community for a lifetime. No where is this more apparent than within the military community, where a family can put down roots in Texas, South Carolina, and Alaska in a matter of years. While this portability allows us to branch out and explore new cultures, it also requires a continual formation of new relationships. And while this may provide healthy avenues to expand our support systems, it also leaves us vulnerable to more predatory individuals. The following archetypes are toxic friendships to avoid; they will prevent you from establishing healthy relationships with others, may take you away from your family or career, and have the potential to escalate to abuse. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to avoid these individuals entirely-you may even recognize some of them in your past or present life. The key is spotting them, putting your emotional and mental health first, and exiting the relationship. 1. The Perpetual Victim: 'Woe is me!' At first, the Perpetual Victim will draw you in because you can relate: you understand the challenges of marriage, military life, the shaky economy, or the lack of good people/friends in the world. You don't realize you're dealing with a predatory Perpetual Victim because they'll suck you in by talking about legitimate-sounding problems, like: they're fighting with their spouse, money is tight, their children are having trouble in school, their family expects too much. But after a few months time spent in the company of this type of 'friend,' you find yourself depressed, zapped of energy, helpless. Every Facebook status they post details (or leaves purposefully vague) some sort of hardship in their life. There are the do-gooders who write notes of encouragement (perhaps you're one of them!), but you'll realize that those notes of encouragement are actually the purpose of the online post. The trouble with Perpetual Victims is their desire to feed off the goodwill offered them as a result of any supposedly destructive situation. They're never going to change because they don't want to change--a friendship with a Perpetual Victim will likely lead to frustration, sadness, and toxic friendships anxiety on your end. Ultimately, these relationships are very one-sided: there is no room for you amid their complaints. *Note: The Perpetual Victim archetype is not to be confused with a victim of domestic abuse, family abuse, or depression. The Perpetual Victim archetype is usually not experiencing any type of abuse or victimhood; they are instead creating a scenario (real or imaged) that makes them victim for the sole purpose of eliciting sympathy and attention. 2. The One Upper: 'Anything you can do, I can do better.' You've had a bad day: your kids were up all night with the flu, you awake to find a new dent in your car, the weather report says school is cancelled ... again ... for the third day in a row. You're tired, you're cranky, and gosh darnit, you just want a little support. That's when you make the mistake of reaching out to the One Upper. She's also experienced a bad day in the past, except hers was worse -- her spouse was deployed, her car was totaled, and so on and so on. Whatever you went through couldn't possibly be as bad as what she went through. And the same goes for the reverse: if you accomplish something truly remarkable, well, she has also done the same, but against tougher odds and with much, much more success. Even worse, once she has children, it's likely she'll use them as a weapon to pump up her security. Her children will always, always top yours. You're thrilled to share that your child took her first steps? Guess what? Hers did too! Only four or five months before yours. Social media likes to call these women, 'MommyJackers,' or 'DaddyJackers,' but they are really 'LifeJackers,' because they take your need for support or recognition in a situation and use it against you. If you find yourself in a friendship with a One Upper , you might feel belittled, insecure, that your feelings and experiences are unimportant and/or small. Once you discover the pattern, you can choose to walk away, or you could find the humor in the situation-just know you that if you have good or bad news to share, find a better friend than this one. 3. The Gossip : 'My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid...' We're all guilty of participating in a little bit of gossip here and there-yes, even the best of us. And when you're new to a base or neighborhood, there's maybe even something comforting about someone 'taking you under their wing,' and pointing out the ins and the outs of your new home: who and what to avoid, etc. If I am honest, I've had friendships, like really amazing friendships, begin with mutually expressed sarcasm or dislike for a ridiculous neighbor, or a policy, or a celebrity ... but the difference between those friendships and a friendship of a gossip is that the friendships evolved beyond the relaying of private information. You just can't trust a Gossip , that's the problem. Gossips typically form friendships and relationships based on their need to share information (usually private information) about someone to another in order to feel important. They always need a constant supply of new blood and/or information, so when push comes to shove, a gossip will put themself first and your privacy last. It's fine to be acquaintances with a Gossip , but don't ever share anything with this person that you wouldn't be comfortable printing in a magazine. 4. The Drama Queen: 'If you can't handle me at my worst...' The Drama Queen is usually a vivacious, bold, and seemingly emotionally open individual. They bring you in to their world with gusto; sometimes they are very funny and/or they make you feel immediately important, as though they are instantly connected with you and ready to share their secrets. At first, you admire their take-charge attitude, until you realize that what they have going for them may be less take-charge and more, well, just attitude. The Drama Queen (or King!) is constantly in a battle of some sort: with friends, with neighbors, with family. Like the Perpetual Victim, the Drama Queen has been wronged somehow, but unlike the Victim, their displays are not so much passive-aggressive but rather in-your-face tantrums. If you find yourself in a relationship with a Drama Queen, you may start to downplay your own thoughts and feelings in fear that the Drama Queen will target you. Essentially, these individuals are nothing more than bullies. The best way to deal a Drama Queen is to back away slowly and make sure that your schedule is always packed. 5. The Social Climber: 'Ask not what I can do for you, but what you can do for me.' The Social Climber immediately presents as a very friendly, outgoing, and charming individual. If the Social Climber thinks you have something to offer, he or she will immediately set their sights on you. Don't be fooled: even if you think you have nothing that you could possibly offer a Social Climber , they might still target you. Why? Because at their core, social climbers are users: they see people as tools to help them get ahead, so that means they'll do one of two things: they either suck up to you and manipulate you to elevate their status; or they'll use their friendship with you to make themselves seem admired and respected, which are qualities they need to attract those on the higher rungs of the social ladder. Anyone who has ever attended a 'mandatory fun' can likely pick out the Social Climbers immediately: they'll be circling the higher ups like sharks. You are nothing more than a tool for a Social Climber , so this is the easiest bad friendship to ditch. All you have to do is dangle another shiny person (or even the hint of someone) in front of them in order to allow yourself to fade in the background and escape. What about you? Is there another toxic friendship type we should all be wary of befriending? Connect with us on Facebook! [related_post themes="flat”]

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