5 Vital Things to Learn from Your Toxic Friendships

A while back we talked about how to spot 5 specific toxic friendships and told you to run when you meet these people. But I got to thinking…what if these are people we see often and can’t avoid? How do we deal with them? And how do we prevent ourselves from falling into one of these 5 categories? 1. The perpetual victim Everyone has a bad day. This is not something that only military families go through. Cars break down, sudden deaths happen, financial issues arise, life gets messy . When that happens it’s understandable your friend will want to call and vent to you. However, when they are making a daily call complaining about how the world is out to get them it can get very tiring. Initially, you’ll want to be supportive and listen to their problems and pass on words of encouragement. But at some point it will start to affect your mood. So what can you do? Be polite, but let these friends know that they might need to find a new sounding board. Suggest that if their problems are as big as they feel they are there are resources for them to use to get help. Point them in the direction of Fleet & Family Services or Military One Source for counseling services. The constant complaining might be a sign of a bigger problem that they aren’t ready to discuss but knowing there are other support options could be the opening they need to get real help. And if you find yourself falling into the patterns of perpetual victim there are things you can do to shake it off. Instead of complaining about every minor issue try to find a silver lining. Make a habit of finding three things each day to be thankful for. Write them down. Keep a journal of the positives. Even if the only positive you can come up with is that there was mini chocolate chips hidden in the cabinet when you were having a meltdown moment at least you found a positive on a bad day. My husband and I will both go “what’s your positive” when the other person is starting to spin into an “oh poor pitiful me” spiral. It forces us to regroup and get away from the negative thinking for a moment. 2. The one upper You know who I’m talking about. This is the friend that posts only Pinterest-worthy crafts on social media. The one that is sure they have the best workout routine for you to try when you say you’re starting to go to the gym. The friend that likes your new purse but wait, did you see the one her husband got her for Christmas? It’s name brand! The easiest way to deal with this type of toxic friend is kill them with kindness. Thank them for the advice and go about your business just as you were doing before. Don’t comment on their new toys because it just feeds into what they are looking for, validation that they are better than you. I’m not saying be rude and don’t celebrate their successes. But don’t let their need to be better ruin your happiness. Be proud of the things you accomplish without looking for their support. And don’t let yourself fall into this trap. When you’re friends are doing great things, tell them! Celebrate them. You’ll have your chance to shine with your own accomplishments so don’t make theirs feel trivial by taking away their excitement. 3. The gossip Ok I’m guilty of being a gossip now and again. I think we all are. Heck, tabloid magazines wouldn’t be so popular if we didn’t all enjoy seeing what’s going on in someone else’s life. But when gossip hits closer to home it’s not so much fun. FRG and military spouse groups still have a stigma attached that they are nothing more than a bunch of women sitting around gossiping about each other. Be aware of these friends and don’t be afraid to walk away from the conversation when it gets less friendly conversation and more negative gossip. Let’s not feed into the stereotype of gossipy military spouses anymore. These days gossip has gone from word of mouth to cyber bullying and we all need to be aware of what we’re saying. When you find yourself talking to friends about other people think about how you’d feel if someone was saying that same thing about you. Or how you’d feel if the person you were talking about happened to be standing behind you while you were talking about them. Remember what your momma taught you, if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. 4. The drama queen Much like the perpetual victim these friends thrive off attention. And much like a bully, when they don’t get the reaction they want they will look for someone else to bother. So if you want to get rid of the drama queen friend or you want to neutralize their reaction just don’t feed into it. I know sometimes it’s hard to avoid these friends. You don’t want to delete them from your social media because lets face it, sometimes the entertainment value of their posts makes you feel sane. But there is nothing wrong with unfollowing them so you don’t see the daily dramatic scene playing out via vague posts. You can still check on them now and again. You can still go out and be social with them when they aren’t channeling their inner diva. But you don’t need to wrap yourself up in their issues. As for making sure you don’t become the drama queen of the group, think about your behavior. Think before you post your dirty laundry on the internet. Remember that no matter how quickly you might hit delete on a post it was still out there at one point and you never know when a gossip friend will screenshot a comment to share with someone else before you can police yourself. And remember that wine and texting rarely go well together so pick which you’d rather…a good drink or a good friend to vent to! 5. The social climber There is a difference between networking and using people to get where you’re trying to go. When we talked about the social climber before it was mentioned that the best way to get rid of this type of friend is to push them in the direction of someone else they think they can take advantage of. While I understand wanting to rid yourself of the users in your life, do you really want to wish that person on someone else? I’d suggest just stop putting yourself in a position for them to ask you for things. Start saying no when they ask for favors that are outside the scope of normal friendships. I know it’s hard for some people to say no. I’m a people pleaser and will stretch myself too thin trying to help everyone I can. But for your own sanity it’s ok to say “sorry, but I am not the best person to help you out here.” And don’t let yourself become this friend. Yes, it’s ok to network. Find mentors in your field who can help you advance in career goals. Ask for advice from that super fit friend when you’re ready to tackle your new years resolutions. Enlist your creative friends in helping you come up with a great care package theme. But don’t take advantage of them. Don’t expect handouts from friends who are crafty. Don’t hope your beachbody coach friend will be able to just train you for free. And don’t forget to say thank you when someone does go out of their way to help you achieve your goals. As much as we want to avoid toxic friendships it’s just as important that we avoid becoming the toxic friend in someone else’s life. Connect with us on Facebook!

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