Military Spouse Madness

If you think March Madness is just about basketball, you’re wrong. The event pulls more national television revenue than any other postseason sports franchise. It rakes in a whopping $1.15 billion. Who else benefits from the games? Doctors. They report 50% more vasectomies than usual during the NCAA tournament. Another survey claims Americans eat a lot more pizza; WalletHub says pizza orders go up by 19% as the best teams in America go toe to toe on the court. But let’s talk about a different kind of madness. PCS season isn’t far off; it’s already time to start registering children for the next school year in some cases; and with political uncertainty when it comes to the Isis crisis…deployments could pop up sooner than you expect. So, in order to keep your sanity in military life…let’s talk about March Madness in terms of what makes a military spouse tick. Careers…or lack thereof “Every time I start a new job, it is like I’m starting my career all over,” a military spouse confided. “I tell my hubby, it would be like him starting at Lieutenant every time we changed duty station.” Ain’t that the truth! Keeping a career on track is tough for a lot of people, but it’s even harder for a military spouse. And for those who manage to make it in their field – hats off to you! Finding a way to climb the corporate ladder or excel as a volunteer despite moves every 2-3 years proves what a dedicated individual you are. Lynette Leighton is currently standing behind her spouse stationed at NAS Whiting Field and said someone had the audacity to say something very hurtful to her: “Wow, you’re really smart for a military spouse.” What in the world is that supposed to mean? Is your blood boiling right now? Is your hair raised? “For a military spouse?” Are we a subclass of society? Excuse me…Kate Middleton is a military spouse. Her husband may serve for another country, but would anyone have the audacity to stay that to her? No ma’am… Wrong Assumptions “You live on base, oh my gosh…it must be so nice to get free housing!” This drives people nuts! There is nothing more infuriating than talking to someone outside the military, especially in an area of the country where housing is extremely expensive (think California or Virginia) and he or she assumes that because you live in base housing, the government is footing the bill. The term BAH is one others can’t comprehend, though it is truly an easy concept. Basic Allowance for Housing: the money set aside for rent. The best approach to handling the outlandish assumption that as military families we get a free roof over our heads is to kindly educate. “No, essentially we pay rent just as any other person would; except, instead of writing a check each month, it automatically comes out of my spouse’s pay. Consider it an auto bill pay. The government sets a rate based on rank and it’s all taken care of.” It’s a simple way to keep your sanity and explain it without getting too detailed or personal. Samantha Morrison pointed to another repeat offense. “The assumption that when you have a baby while your husband is deployed or even just in training, that he can just drop the mission to be there for the birth!” the MCAS New River spouse said. Wouldn’t that be nice? The Friend Search Who knew you’d still feel like the new kid at the lunch table well into your thirties…even forties. It’s true. The endless game of finding friends is a rough side effect of marrying someone in uniform. This one is tricky because it is a blessing and a curse rolled into one. It is tough to say goodbye to dear friends and can be intimidating to reach out and build new bonds, but at the same time…if we weren’t forced to pack our bags and move – we would be missing out on some great relationships. How else could a girl from Texas make friends in Germany? And truth be told, though we find ourselves scattered across the globe and living in places we may have never dreamed we’d walk…the military world is actually small. Someone always knows someone who was stationed somewhere where you knew someone and so on. Turn that “I miss my friends” frown upside down and get excited about making more friends. You signed up for this... What makes me tick? Military spouse Chantal Labrie had an answer that question. “Being told I signed up for my husband missing the birth of our first and only child due to a last minute change of orders and deployment,” she said. Technically speaking…sure, we did sign up for this. But that doesn’t mean our feelings of loneliness, sadness, jealousy or pain aren’t valid. When a person falls in love, does he or she really think of all of the sacrifices that may lie ahead? Even if one does, is there really a scale that can tell us whether the pain that could lie ahead will be worth the joy we have when we are with our significant other? Just like any relationship, there’s a gamble. You would never say this to a civilian spouse with a husband who works long hours. Just for the sake of argument, say you have a friend married to a police officer. Your friend is pregnant and goes into labor while his or her spouse is on the job and can’t get to the hospital in time…you wouldn’t say, “Well, you signed up for this.” Of course not! Or if you live in a city known for traffic (i.e. the Capital) and said friend goes into labor while the freeway is at a standstill, thus she has the baby on the side of the road…would you say, “You signed up for this. You should have known not to live somewhere where the roads are so congested.” Absolutely not! And people shouldn’t say that to us either. Sure, we know our spouses will miss some of life’s greatest joys…but we can still feel sad about that. Hurtful Questions “How long are you here?” Umm…we just got here. Let me finish unpacking my boxes before I even think about when I’ll have to pack them up again. Lydia Bradbury and her family are stationed at NAS Whiting Field and can relate to this first hand. “The never ending repeat questions: When do you move? Where are you moving? When is a good time to come visit? Do you think I know this information and am having fun toying with you? When I find out you’ll find out,” she said. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, think, and respond, “It’s anyone’s guess at this point. Typically we’re at a duty station for (fill in the blank depending on your spouse’s branch or billet), but it’s the needs of Uncle Sam. We really never know.” Danielle Dabrowski currently calls the Reserve Station in Lexington, Kentucky, home and pointed to another question that can really cut deep. Asked innocently enough, but it still stings: “I always enjoy people asking what I do with all my free time when my husband is deployed,” she said. “WHAT free time!?” It’s true. If one hasn’t lived it, one just doesn’t get it. Even new military spouses are guilty of this one. A deployment may sound like it would leave a lot of free nights to the unknowing spouse…but they can be some of the busiest, most stressful times for the spouse left at home, especially when there are children to raise or animals to care for. The deployment isn’t any easier on a couple without children. Though there may be more quiet time, it can remind you how lonely you really are. It boils down to this. Military life can be hard. It stinks at times. But, aren’t we truly some of the luckiest people on earth? We’re married to men and women who love their country so much they’d put their lives on the line to save it. They’re strong-willed, physically tough, and disciplined. And so are we. We put our lives on hold. We make sacrifices. And we reap great rewards. Stephanie Shelton Hawkins worded it perfectly. Something that makes her tick also humbles her. “Living around the world,” she said. “Having my horizons expanded and then going back to my small hometown in Virginia for a visit and seeing how little those family [members] and friends have lived…I truly do have a blessed life.” The same things that make us tick – moving every few years, making new friends, starting new careers, finding new schools, answering the same questions over and over again just to a new crowd of strangers…they’re also the very things that make us so worldly, strong, and compassionate. So order a pizza, turn on a game and give someone a chest bump…let’s celebrate March Madness! Read Next: 5 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Spicy Connect With Us

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