7. Your dress shouldn’t look like a jigsaw puzzle missing pieces.
You know what I am talking about. We have all seen dresses with slits up to the crotch, non-existent backs that come very close to being an after school special about the dangers of crack, or mid-sections that look like they were cut out by a kindergartener who didn’t have a nap. It does not matter if you have a body that would make Barbie jealous… formal attire means that the dress starts somewhere at the top of your body, ends somewhere beneath the knees… and there are no holes in between.
6. We all appreciate a great set of knockers, but not tonight.
If the only thing between your nipple and the eyes of your husband’s Commanding Officer is a centimeter of fabric or one wrong twist to reach for your ice tea… Houston, we have a problem. For goodness sake… cover the girls, please. We all know they are there. I promise.
5. Know your TRUE size.
You will never read a status update from me bragging about how I finally fit back into those size 4 jeans from high school. (Let’s totally skip over the fact that they would be acid washed and tight-rolled anyway). I am not a thin woman. But no matter what size you are, you can find a dress that fits, covers all the right parts and still looks classy. Last time I checked no one was asking to see size tags when they take your ticket. So forget what the stupid tag says and buy the dress that fits. I know I don’t care what size the gown claims to be. I don’t want to spend the whole night feeling like a stuffed sausage with cute earrings.