1. Common Language
I like to call assessments the sixth love language. Early in our marriage we were exposed to “The Five Love Languages,” which is founded on the principle that each person has a primary love language we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved. Understanding the different ways in which we give and receive love is essential to building a lasting relationship.
But it wasn’t until my husband and I instituted the sixth love language — StrengthsFinder — that we truly began to love and respect each other as unique individuals. The StrengthsFinder assessment provides a common language for us to talk about the things we are naturally good at in a humble and authentic way. Additionally, it clearly lays out the similarities and differences that we felt internally but didn’t know how to express externally.
2. A Lens to View Ourselves
Assessments provide us with a different lens through which to view ourselves. Oftentimes, we are told the things that make us great are the things we should do less of. For example, those who are strong in the command strength (have the ability to take control of a situation and make decisions) are often told they are “too bossy.” Not only is it frustrating to be told to change who you innately are, it is nearly impossible because that is the way you are wired!
I’m not suggesting we should turn off our strengths, but we should spend time refining them. Instead of always taking control of a situation, someone talented in command could work on evaluating the situation and communicating with their spouse their desire to guide the marriage by making a decision.
3. A Lens to View Our Partner
We are wired to assume that everyone sees the world as we do, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. The odds of having the same top five strengths as someone else is 1 in 33 million! Our spouse is uniquely made, and we need to gain the appreciation that they see the world completely differently than we do. One is not better or worse than the other, just different. Investing the time into understanding how your spouse sees things will have exponential returns. I call it “putting on my Josh glasses.”
Whenever I am struggling with his lack of action, I remind myself to step back and try and see the world through his eyes. What factors is he weighing? What different path is he considering? This allows me to slow down and understand that he isn’t trying to impede my action or slow me down on purpose; he is actually trying to save me wasted effort from pursuing a faulty path. Viewing his intentions as positive and appreciating his strengths helps dissipate the inevitable friction and frustrations felt when two people live together.
Assessments are not magic wands that will solve all of the problems in all marriages, but they are powerful tools that can help us see what our partners are great at. The mundane, everyday tasks that seem to define our lives can oftentimes cause us to lose sight of the very traits that attracted us to our partners in the first place. But with intentional effort to find those strengths, I believe we can better equip ourselves to give and receive genuine love.
I want to challenge you to find at least one example each day of your spouse using their strengths. It can be something very ordinary like their consistent ability to make the coffee every morning or an overarching principle like being able to envision your future after retirement. And once you find it, be sure to share it. I am confident that this positive daily interaction will help strengthen your relationship!
