The Unknown – I Don’t Accept It

The unknown.

As military spouses, we are supposed to not only accept it, but also embrace it. It’s an adventure! It’s exciting! It’s spontaneous! Well you know what? I DON’T embrace it. Well, not all of it, anyway.

Now, I don’t mind the ‘Hey, I might have to work late the night of Cailin’s big play/ceremony/etc.,’ or the ‘I’m not sure I will be here for the Madelyn’s first Easter or first birthday,’ or even ‘I volunteered for a deployment, but I’m not sure if they’ll have me. Or when I’ll find out.’ (All of which I have heard recently.)

I’m talking about the dreaded PCS.

We should be moving this summer. However, due to my husband applying to and being volunteered for a few different programs, that date is not even a possibility anymore. Our window is now October through December.

One possibility is that he will leave for six months, then be home for a few weeks, leave again for two months, then come back, then we will move shortly before Christmas.

Second option is that he’ll leave for one month, come back for two months, leave again in two months, come back for a few weeks, and then move by Halloween.

Third choice is gone for one month, back for one month, gone for two months, back for four months, and then move in December.

Seriously? It took me a few tries to even write that down correctly.

So I’m trying to be the positive wife, and focus on the definites. I’m hoping it will keep me from stressing out. He will be gone for a while. He will come back. We will be back on the mainland by Christmas.

But that’s it. After that…your guess is as good as mine. Oh and did I mention that when we do finally PCS we have NO idea where we are going? And it could be anywhere in the US. Because, friends, one of the possibilities (the fall back definite if none of the other possibilities happen) is recruiting duty.

Did you just groan? I think I heard you. Thanks for the sympathy.

Really though, I have talked to some spouses who have done or are currently on recruiting duty, and I’m not so scared about that. As I’ve written about before, I’m pretty independent, so I’m hoping recruiting will be fine. I’m hoping we will be fine. It might actually be the aforementioned adventure! Recruiting duty is the least of the stressors right now. Talk to me again in a year and my tune might have changed, but for now…recruiting duty as our future is the least of my worries.

But the fact that I have no idea when or where we are going? Or how long he’ll be gone? Killing me. Slowly but surely, it’s killing me.

I know, I know. Suck it up, buttercup, right? You married a Marine, you knew this would happen! But, guys. When we moved out here, it was not this stressful. Sure, it was frustrating when they told us we’d have to drive our cars from North Carolina to Hawaii. (I wish I were kidding.) It was miserable when our dressers and two trunks mysteriously disappeared from point A to B. It was depressing when our beautiful bed was shattered. But none of that was stressful. It was annoying.

It’s the unknown that stresses me out.


It’s that I cannot plan anything or do anything. I just have to sit and wait. The first move was rough because I wasn’t in charge. I was still new to the Marine Corps, and I have since gotten used to that. But when there are what feel like a billion possibilities and nothing I can do to even influence any of them? Momma needs a drink.

Cailin has been asking about her birthday party in September. And trick or treating with her Daisy troop. And maybe Thanksgiving with some friends. (I’m not kidding – this kid likes to have her plans too.) She also sees the second graders in her school doing cool stuff and she talks about next year when she’s in second grade at her amazing school and gets to do the same things. Sorry, kiddo…probably not doing it here. But I don’t know if that cut off is their Thanksgiving dinner where the second graders are the Pilgrims or the Christmas play where they get longer lines than the first graders. 

I’ve been halfheartedly preparing for the move – piling stuff to sell or marking stuff we won’t take with us. But that’s really all I can do for now. I can’t look into the job market or child care of our new home. I can’t research schools or houses because we don’t even know what geographical location we will be in, much less a neighborhood. I keep trying to make that to do list that will do nothing other than make me feel better and I realize, I can’t make it yet. At least not for the move.

So. I sit. And I wait. And I try to plan an awesome last summer in Hawaii for the girls and I, glossing over the fact that Daddy might be here for part of it, but no, I don’t know what part. I tell my family to get their tickets to visit here quickly if they want free lodging. I make notes about what I’d like in the next rental house (PLEASE LET ME PAINT!). And I try not to stress out. Cailin and I have our Hawaii bucket list, and for now, that’s the only list I can make.



Leave a Comment