30 years old. Married. And embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test.
I unloaded the dishwasher as I waited. Waited for the blinking timer to stop. My life, past and future, ran through my head.
I pictured my past….
I saw every sweet date my husband and I have been on. I saw the running through the airport moments we have had. The trips to new cities where we were able to play tourist and just explore and enjoy good food and have no schedule to follow.
I saw all the moments that made my dad my hero. The way he was the type of dad I hope my children have some day. I remembered playing Barbies and then learning how to build lego cars to crash in the living room.
I pictured my future….
I saw trips with my handsome husband to Spain so I could show him the caves I was allowed to explore on deployment. I saw us picking up and going on a drive to nowhere simply because we could. saw lazy days on the couch watching movies…or not watching movies.
I saw my handsome husband holding a little adorable baby with my eyes and his dimples. Running after a toddler in the yard. Cheering on our little band geek. Christmas’ with family and toys spilling out from under the tree.
All of these moments flashed through my head so fast I couldn’t even catch my breath. I felt guilty. Guilty because if someone asked me I wouldn’t be able to tell them which picture I wanted more. My mother was happy to tell me she’s ready to be a grandmother. But am I ready to be a mom?
Do I want to be a mom? Am I really ready to give up the other option for a future with my husband alone? We haven’t even had time together as husband and wife yet thanks to our fun dual military life. Do we even know if we want kids?
As I walked down the hallway I thought I knew what I wanted the answer to be. When I picked up the test and held it up to my eyes…
I texted my husband. It must just be the flu.